Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I just recently ended an abusive relationship. I met a 32 year old guy who has remained my friend through my time of distress and who is really nice and patient with me. He is an all-around nice guy – he’s changed my oil, been to church with me, baked me cookies and befriended me without expecting anything in return. I knew that he liked me but I was skeptical to get involved because I am still a little scorched by my ex. However, we slept together for the first time about two weeks ago and I told him how I felt.
Ever since then it seems as if he isn’t as interested. I mean we still talk everyday and see each other, but it just doesn’t feel the same to me. I’ve begun to notice certain things, like his ringer on the telephone being off when I’m over, and him telling me I’m going to meet his Mom and I still haven’t.
I had a bad gut feeling for two days and told him not to call me anymore because I didn’t want to be hurt. He explained to me that he never tells me how he feels because I act like I don’t want him to. He told me that he loved me and that he was beginning to fall in love with me.
But I don’t feel like I can trust him because it’s only been five months. Love is nothing to play with and I hope he’s not telling me that because I am willing to leave it alone. Do you think I should be skeptical if I have to question it, or am I just being paranoid because I have been hurt before?
Confused & Anxious
Trust your gut! After five months of being around him without these feelings, I am confident that you are on target.
Refuse to accept responsibility for his callous behavior, because you do not control his actions – he does. If a man were nice to all of his friends like he is to you, then you would know he didn’t have any ulterior motive. However, I seriously doubt he’s baking everybody cookies, going to church with them, and changing their oil!
If you as a woman cannot trust someone with your heart, it makes no sense to trust him with your body. And since you can’t trust him, you definitely need to discontinue any and all intimacies. Five months of being with a man is plenty of time for him to have made a decision about your “rightness” for him, and for him to have cleared all the other women he was casually dating out of his life. In my opinion, he shouldn’t have his ringer off while you’re visiting, and he shouldn’t be cutting you off after you’ve finally gone to bed with him.
At this point I think it wise for you to let him know that if you are to be in his life, he’s got to hang up the playa shoes and introduce you to his friends and family. He also needs to announce to any lingering women that you’re now the only woman and that he is entering into a committed relationship with you. If he drags his feet or makes excuses, then you know he’s not serious and that you are setting yourself up to be hurt if you stick around.