Dear Ms HeartBeat:
I have this friend that is a girl and we have been pretty good friends for about three years now. Well, over the years she has gotten more and more “outgoing” I guess I can say. Recently, she lost her virginity. I would have been fine with that, a little surprised of course, but not too big of a deal (we are 16).
What made me uncomfortable and I not knowing what to feel is she lost it to a black person. Growing up in a predominately white town, it is definitely not normal for me to see this happening and I am not quite used to it still. I haven’t talked to her as much as I used to because I am feeling a little disappointed…I know that sounds racist and stuff but I don’t know why that’s the way I feel.
What should I do? Say something? What?
Thank you for writing to me asking for suggestions before you said something to her that might forever damage your friendship with her and others. The fact that you are thinking hard about the situation is a marked sign of maturity and provides you with an opportunity for personal growth.
So I suggest you say nothing to her about the situation because it’s not your business. You aren’t dating her, so who she has sex with is of no concern to you unless she asks for your opinion or something. When you think about the fact that she decided to have sex, THAT is the true issue here, not what color the guy is! Sounds to me like you are being a hater!
Things like this are good for people that claim they aren’t racist, because your thoughts and focus on the race of the guy indicates that you are. You have internalized some racist beliefs, and are now questioning why you are judging and condemning your friend for her relationship with an African American male.
I think the disappointment you feel is that she didn’t give it up to YOU, but instead of dealing with that you are projecting your anger onto the guy and choosing to be a hater based on his race. Living in a predominately White town means you will have to go out of your way to widen your social circle and make friends with people of other cultures and races. The world and even the U.S. is not lily White; not everyone looks like you and certainly there are wide differences in desires, choices, foods, languages and the types of people that we choose to love.
You must learn to fit into the world if you are going to be a success; learning to interact and appreciate people that are different from yourself will make you welcome into the lives, homes and families of some really great folks. This is as good a time to start as any!