Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
My fiancée and I have been dating for four years and engaged for three this month. I have made repeated attempts at getting the ball rolling to actually walk down the aisle, or even to move in together, but it’s not happening! I know he loves me, but he seems hesitant when it comes to taking some real action. How much more time should I give him? I really want to get married, but how much longer should I wait to become his wife?
You have to learn how to say “no!” to this man about this nonsense game he is running.
Should We Move in Together?
First of all, it would be a big mistake to move in with him, especially since he is already undecided on moving forward into marriage. In too many cases women are engaged and want to be married, but instead of waiting for marriage they settle for long-term relationships of convenience by moving in with the dude.
Once you begin to cohabitate, you remove the urgency and desire for the male to cement the union with a ceremony. Why would he rush when he is already getting all the goodies you have to give without going to the altar?
Why is He Avoiding Marriage?
I suggest that the next time you bring up the subject of setting a date for the ceremony, you ask some pointed questions to get clear on what he is avoiding or what his fears are. Ask him what he needs to see happen? Ask him how long he thinks it is going to take for him to get his mind right? Ask him what he thinks is wrong or causing concerns?
Give Him an Ultimatum
Once you get answer, give him a timeframe to resolve the issues he brings up. Tell him that you aren’t taking his mess anymore and that the gravy train has come to a halt. Tell him that if he hasn’t come to terms with the marriage in, oh, say 2-3 months, that you are leaving because you will know that means he isn’t interested in marrying you, and that you refuse to accept any type of relationship that isn’t meeting your needs for security and commitment.
Get your mind wrapped around the fact that you may have gotten what I call a “shut up!” ring, something to keep you hanging on and dreaming of marriage when he had absolutely no intention of ever marrying you. Ever.
Remind him that ANY long-term relationship is going to have the same issues at some point; so he may as well come to terms with them now, while he is with you. Tell him that at the end of that 2-3 month period, you expect to get married, and that you have no intention of living with or dating him after that date if you are not his wife.
Just Say NO!”
You must learn to be comfortable making demands and telling this man “no!”
- Tell him “no!” you won’t continue to date him without being married.
- Tell him “no!” you won’t move in with him and provide him with the benefits of a wife without the associated responsibilities and obligations.
- Tell him “no!” you won’t give in to him on this and would rather leave him and go find a guy who wants what you want out of life.
As long as he knows you will stick around and give him love, sex, caring, support, tenderness, affection, understanding and everything he wants without marriage, what motivation would he have to do so?