Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am 25 years old and ended my three year relationship about two months ago. I met a new guy named “Roland.” Before we dated I had seen “Roland”occasionally at my job. My job had a function and we ended up hanging out together. He gave me his number and we have been on three dates so far. He was very respectful by not trying to take my clothes off on the first date. There were times when we talked on the phone for several hours and times where he has come to visit me and we stayed up until the sun rose.
Lately he does not really call or try to make any effort to see me. I am really confused and can’t understand why he is so distant. The last time he was here, we had a great time together. No, we have not had sex or anything like that. We only kissed. A lot of people tell me that I am a good catch because I am attractive, have a degree, have a house, own a duplex, two cars, and I am very independent. There are some other guys who are dying to take me out, but I’m not attracted to them.
He has the same job that I have, is 31 years old, never married, no kids. After he broke up with his girlfriend, he moved back to his moms house to save money to buy a home of his own. Do you think that maybe I am too intimidating for him? We are both African American. What would cause him to shy away?
“Roland” has stepped back to do some serious thinking. He needs to assess what you are, where he is in life, his growing feelings and involvement with/for you, if this is what he wants or not.
From what men tell me, guys that aren’t well established don’t usually want a woman that is so independent and that has no many material things, ya know? When you look at your lives, you are far ahead of him economically and in life, though he has many years of age on you. So I’m thinking he believes he will feel more like “the man” if he has a woman he can get those things with, a woman that NEEDS him (something that is very attractive to the male ego). I’m positive this is the issue weighing most heavily on his mind.
Of course, he may also have picked up something about you that he doesn’t really care for during that last date. Maybe he is used to getting sex right away from women and when you didn’t give it up, he lost interest. Then again, maybe he is falling in love and it frightens him because of issues with women from his past.
Maybe he has never been in love at all and doesn’t want to be because it makes him feel too vulnerable and afraid. Who knows? Men are crazy! Sometimes even if they do want a relationship, they are so scared of getting what they want that they run from it. This happens ALL THE TIME to women that have great dates and growing intimacy with men.
So your best bet is to give him space and time… just let him be. Don’t call him, don’t ask about him, don’t try to see him or get him to see you. Give him the distance he needs to do whatever it is he is doing. Such distance will be surprising and will prevent him from blaming YOU for how he is feeling. In the meantime, I suggest you start dating other guys. A single girl should never put all her eggs in one basket until she is involved in a committed relationship.
If “Roland” comes back after a few weeks and you two pick up where you left off, you will know that he made the mental adjustments that he needs to regarding being in a relationship, and you two can move forward. However, if he doesn’t come back, you will know that you two were just not as compatible as you had hoped, and you can easily move on.