Jealous about his girlfriend’s past with other men

[ 0 ] October 28, 2011 | Deborrah Cooper

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I’m 19 and I’ve been in a relationship with this 17 y/o girl for 3 months now, and I love her and have never felt this way about anyone before. The only problem is that I keep holding on to her past; a past in which she didn’t know me yet and she did stuff with other guys, which, I don’t’ know why, keeps bothering me.

I know I don’t have the right to get angry about these things, since I didn’t even know her then, but for some reason it keeps bugging me. The thing is that this is my first relationship, and I hadn’t done anything with any other girl until she came along. Am I being selfish? Not comprehensive? Envious? All of the before mentioned? What?! And why can’t I get over the fact that she was with others before me?? Thanks for any advice Ms. HB.

Signed,
T.K.

Dear T.K.:
It’s all about maturity and the archaic male standards of what makes a “good woman” my man. Men want a modern woman, but only when it is to their advantage (such as when she pays half on dates so he can keep most of his money in his pocket, and holds down a full time job so he doesn’t have to work so hard). But in every other instance men are socialized to believe women are obligated to cook, clean, tend the children, never have a controverting thought, and be a virgin until the day he touches her which are expectations right out of the 1400s!

The fact that you are trippin’ over what happened before you even met her is a waste of your time. She had jobs, she had friends, she had failures, she had tears, she had broken hearts, she had various foods, she had boyfriends and she had intimate experiences – all of which make her the person you claim to love NOW for who and what she is. You need to stop pouting and thinking about a past that neither of you can change.

Bottom line: if you cannot accept who and what she is and ALLLLL the things that influenced and created this wonderful woman, then you need to leave her alone. Go on about your business until you finish growing up.

Deborrah Cooper

The visionary creator of AskHeartBeat.Com, the first website to focus exclusively on Black male/female romantic relationships. In addition to providing startling and humorous relationship advice to thousands, Deborrah is a blogger, internet radio talk show host and prolific writer. She has penned hundreds of dating and relationship articles and is the author of the hilarious 2007 guide to modern dating "Sucka Free Love!"