Married Neighbor Annoys Single Woman

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I have an annoying little issue I’m trying to deal with, and I’d appreciate some help.

I have a neighbor who is retired, has an agoraphobic wife, who is lonely and talkative. I don’t think he’s exactly stalking me, but it seems like every time I go outside he’s there, and I’ve seen him pausing outside my house looking up at the windows. It’s a free country, but I often don’t have the time to engage with him and don’t want to listen to one of his freewheeling monologues.

My efforts not to be rude seem to have the effect of encouraging him, and he’s starting to drop little hints about being invited for dinner and has been leaving bottles of wine and such on my doorstep. He’s also a chronic gossip, which I try not get involved with. I’ve been peeking out the window and doors before I go outside so I can avoid him. It’s crazy.

I want to stay on good terms with my neighbors but I don’t want to have to talk with him every single time I go outside! I don’t know what to do.

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
The problem with most women is that they don’t put their own personal safety and wishes first. Instead, they worry about being NICE to some asshole. You need to get over this attitude, and do it quickly. Lots of NICE women are on the back of milk cartons or pushin’ up daisies in some graveyard because they were too weak and too worried about other people’s feelings to take a firm stand in their own best interest.

So what you do is tell home boy in a firm, no-nonsense voice: "I’m sure you are trying to be nice by leaving all these gifts on my doorstep. But I don’t want you to do that. Such things are inappropriate and send the wrong message, considering I am a single woman and you are a married man. I don’t want any confusion with my neighbors, my family, your wife or my dates so please stop."

Once you tell him that I believe he will be pulled up short and know you are onto his game and not in his ballpark. He’ll either make an excuse (which you then reiterate your position and tell him that you will return any such gifts in the future), or you repeat yourself over and over again until it sinks into his thick, stupid skull.

Then watch him carefully. If you experience any signs of him attempting to enter your home uninvited, sneaking around your property peeping in windows, or ignoring your request to leave you alone you must not hesitate to involve law enforcement.

There needs to be a paper trail established of his odd behavior and your attitude towards it, so that if any weird things happen down the road, cops know who to look at first.

MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.