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By June 15, 2012

My Muppet Heart

In honor of Jim Henson’s Birthday (which, by the time you read this, will have passed) I’ve decided to take a look into the romantic side of the muppets. We grew up with them. As kids we saw them as asexual monsters (not unlike some of the guys I know now) but as adults we have to recognize that muppets have needs, too. Sometimes having a hand thrust up your backside just isn’t enough. If the muppets were out in the dating world, what kind of dates would they make? They couldn’t be a whole lot worse than people on online dating websites, right?

Let’s start with Animal. Talk about the monster under… er, IN your bed. If you were to date Animal you’d likely have a whole lot of fun in the bedroom. But probably not anywhere else. First of all, as his girlfriend, he’d want you to hang out on the dingy sofa in his friend’s loft and listen to all his jam sessions. Dating a drummer is cool only so long as you retain your hearing. Second, while Animal might be attentive to your animal needs, I’m guessing emotional talks or talks of any kind aren’t his strong suit. Great for a fling, not so much for a relationship.

Kermit’s the guy of today. If Kermit lived in LA he would live in hip, $5 coffee, cardigan-wearing, Silverlake. He’s the guy who seems to have it all: sensitivity, smarts, and a sense of humor. Great on paper but kind of disappointing in life. Why else would he lead on Miss Piggy for years and never really commit? If he’s gay he hasn’t committed to that either. While he seems like a catch, you’re likely to do a lot of chasing if you pursue this frog. And good luck ever getting him to take you back to his pad.

Then there’s the underdog: Gonzo. Sure, he’s weird and he does his own thing and maybe he doesn’t quite have perspective when it comes to grandiose ideas. But he’s sweet and loyal and if you can tell anything from a guy’s face, he’s probably pretty good in bed. The downside to Gonzo is because he constantly plays second fiddle to Kermit, he’s never quite gotten comfortable in his own skin. And guys who haven’t realized their own potential have trouble seeing the potential in other people: namely significant others.

How about Fozzie? If you’re cool with dating a flailing comedian (I am) then he’s your bear. He’s driven but frustrated, cuddly but might have body issues, and sweet if not kinda neurotic. You might have to do some ego stroking but that’s not to say he wouldn’t do the same for you. He’s popular in his friend group and that says a lot about a dude.

Rowlf is, of course, the musician of the group. You might think you’re dating him but he probably sees you as his favorite fan of the moment. He takes his music seriously and thinks of little else. He might throw you a bone on occasion but at the end of the day he buries those romantic feelings in the yard and heads back to the piano. The ivories may be tickled, but you won’t be.

Finally there’s Beaker. Easy to overlook because he’s not the best looking and he’s fairly soft spoken, Beaker is actually probably the best date of the bunch. He’s super smart (he’s a scientist) and just because he doesn’t say (or squeak) a lot, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have great ideas or a good sense of humor. Beaker’s the guy who will make a great dad. He’s a nerd in the non-hip sense. While Kermit’s whining about girls never liking nerdy guys like him, Beaker is gazing at Miss Piggy thinking, “You don’t see what’s right in front of you, frog.”

At the end of the day we’re all just monsters controlled by strings. If you count heartstrings that is.


Erin Whitehead is writer, blogger, and contributor to

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