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By October 4, 2012

She Wants to be Engaged but I’m Not Ready!

 

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. Six months ago we moved in together. We are both just out of college, but she is four years older than me. When we met I was unemployed and concentrating only on schoolwork. Now we are both in graduate school and I’m working 30-35 hours a week which supports us both financially.

My problem is that she is VERY ready to get engaged. I am not opposed to the engagement, but I don’t have the time to look or the money to pay for a ring. She seems obsessed with this and calls me lazy and uncaring. These accusations hurt me deeply. I want to marry her, I love her… but we just aren’t in the right spot yet.

She is almost 30 and very aware of our age difference. Like I said, I love her with all my heart, but she is driving me crazy with her obsession with engagement. I am also fearful that she may find something else to harp on me about after I get her the ring.

Please help me know how to handle this situation!

Signed,
Feeling Pressured

Dear Pressured:
Tell her that you two are going to make a contract with standards of performance and a timeline for you both.

Tell her that you know she is almost 30 years old and her biological clock is ticking, but that she has to remember she chose a younger man, which means she has to compromise her desires for marriage and reach a middle ground that takes YOUR timing into consideration.

Make a couple of quick phone calls to price rings, a banquet hall, catering, flowers and a honeymoon. Figure $2000 or so for her wedding gown.  Add or subtract from the total figure based upon the wedding and honeymoon goals the two of you have discussed, factoring in inflation. Then you sit her down and tell her that in order for you to get engaged or married, you need to have several things:

  1. a certain dollar amount of money in the bank for your future financial security
  2. a certain dollar amount of money in the bank to pay for the rings, wedding and honeymoon
  3. finished with grad school (or whatever else you want to see happen before you become engaged/married)

Also include in the contract how many years you will be engaged, how many years you will be married before you have children, if she will work when you have children, or how long she will take off from work, and what your expectations are for childcare, etc. You may as well get your entire Wish List on paper now!


This approach will do one of two things…

(1) Give her a firm idea of what it is you are looking to see and have happen so that you will be “at the right spot”… a vague reference to time that holds no meaning for her right now. She wants something concrete and measurable (most women do!), so she can feel secure and confident that you are serious about a future together. Right now you are not giving that to her, but having things written down on paper will fulfill that need.

(2) By having these financial goals, she is going to see the need and value in working just as hard as you do to get the money together and make what she wants happen. She should at that point start looking for at least a part time job without you having to suggest it. Having mutual goals and working towards them TOGETHER is the first measure of whether or not a couple can truly work as a team and negotiate differences and compromise or not in marriage.

How she handles this situation will tell you a lot about her.

If she throws a fit and demands to get what she wants right now with no regard for what you are telling her you need to feel mentally comfortable and secure in your role as husband and father, then I think you better seriously reconsider marrying this woman.

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MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.

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About the Author:

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.

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