Relationships of Convenience

Companionship. It’s common for older couples to base relationships on companionship. As a matter of fact, I was told “the first time you marry, it’s for love; the second time for security; the third time for companionship.” The sexual attraction and sparks that younger people seek in a romantic partner is of much less importance than being able to have fun, talk to, and share the rest of their life with someone that can be admired and respected.

Gotta Have Somebody. Many women believe they are nothing without a man. Dependent (or lazy), they may marry believing that gaining the title of Mrs. and a husband will make life easier and happier. In spite of their careers, education and economic success, these women often believe that without a man they are a complete failure.

Desperate Fear. Fear of AIDS, of herpes, of being alone forever. The thought of having sex with an attractive partner and dying the following year is frightening. Many people are entering committed relationships and/or marrying with the hopes that they can remove themselves from the scariness of the singles scene and avoid this drama.

Others acknowledge that the years are passing with nothing much to show for them. Looking to the future, they see themselves elderly and alone. In fact, men that were formerly major-league playas have expressed to me their interest in settling down and finding that special woman; they have no shame in admitting their fears of being single, without roots and alone.

Belief in Traditions. Yes, there are large numbers of single parent households. However, most of us still believe in the traditional family unit and setting. The single Mom wants her children to have a good male role model and father figure; the single Dad wants a woman to teach his daughters about “girly stuff.” Neither wants to set an example of wild and sinful single living for their children, so they get married. Sometimes a man or woman will get into a relationship or marry with a strong desire to “save and protect” the children of their partner from a life without a male and female parent in the home and from suffering the associated economic and emotional hardships.

Economic Gain. Hey, two incomes are better than one! Women often enter into relationships of this sort because they still want a man to take care of them. Sometimes men play the game by moving in on a woman with financial clout to use her very nice car, credit cards, and eat up all her food without spending a dime of his money. Young women without economic resources see this as a way to acquire the financial stability they cannot get alone.

Men often see that marriage is important to long-term career goals. In our society, married men are viewed as more stable, and often get bigger raises and more frequent promotions than bachelors. Other couples pool their money to acquire property or other goods, or move in together to save rent money, especially if the women is a single parent receiving subsidized low-rent housing.

Influence of Friends, Family or Society. These relationships are entered into often because of pressure from family to get married and provide grandchildren “because you’re not getting any younger you know!” Others have the attitude that marriage is a rite of passage you go to school, then college, get a job, get married, have kids, then get divorced! Others do it out of boredom: “Everyone else is doing it. Let’s try this out and see if it works.”

Perverted Reasons. Addicts and alcoholics looking for someone to be responsible for them and their lives so that they can be freely irresponsible. Co-dependent personalities are often attracted to irresponsible individuals as they get to play parent and need to be needed.

Also included in this category are child molesters which pretend to love you to get free, uninhibited access to your children after gaining your trust. “ One guy I’d dated for only two weeks after my divorce couldn’t wait that long. He showed a lot of interest in her from the beginning. He followed up by offering to babysit my then 19-month-old daughter so that I could go out with my friends! Huh? I thought WE were trying to get something going. He hadn’t spent that many hours alone with ME yet!”

Desperation and low self-esteem often play a role when we work hard to maintain relationships of convenience. If you notice that your relationships have a pattern of being convenient for your partners and unsatisfying for you, or you don’t feel good about the balance of giving in your relationship, talk to your partner about your concerns. It’s unhealthy to remain in a relationship where you are concerned about consistently meeting your partners needs, and he or she is not the least bit interested in meeting yours.

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