Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
My husband and I got married 2-1/2 months ago, but we’ve been together for five years. He was laid off over a year ago and went into business for himself as a commercial mortgage broker. The first part of the year was really hard with some of the deals lingering and not closing, therefore not getting paid.
I work for an accounting firm and work 50 hours a week, and during our busy tax season some nights as well. We have two children, and I do all of the cooking and cleaning and come home some nights to a house full of dishes and it’s just a pit of disgust.
My question is he sleeps in until 11:00 a.m. or so, works for about 3-4 hours a day, some days not at all claiming that he is depressed. That leaves me to still do all of the stuff around the house, spending my weekends cleaning while he watches football.
Last week he asked for 80% of my paycheck to pay the bills, leaving me with very little after he had just closed a deal and made $13k. I work so hard, with little reward. He doesn’t go to bed with me at night, and we are intimate maybe once every 2-3 weeks.
I am attractive and upbeat most of the time, but I get frustrated because I am just exhausted while he sleeps in and takes naps and just does whatever he wants all day. I am the one slaving from the time I get up to the time I go to bed. When I say something to him, he gets all bent out of shape.
I believe in being partners in a marriage, but I feel like he just sits around all day and does nothing while I do it all. What can I do to fix this?
Married to a Bum
Dear Mrs. Bum:
Depression? That fool is not depressed! He is a spoiled lazy a$$ with a sense of entitlement. I am wondering how you believe so much in partnership when your relationship is more akin to master and slave! See, this is what happens when women are too focused on being with a man and being married that they ignore the character of the man they are marrying.
To start turning things around, I would suggest the following:
#1 Immediately open a separate account in a different bank (I suggest a credit union), and set up auto deposit so that your paycheck goes directly into it. Do not give him the ATM pin number and keep your checkbook at work so he doesn’t have access to it. Make him pay the bills in the house like a MAN SUPPORTING HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN SHOULD. If he doesn’t pay them, then let the house be dark with no food, no water and if it should go into foreclosure, oh well. You can go stay with your Mom or your sister or a friend. Leave the kids there with him. If he doesn’t step up and treat them as he should as their father, call CPS on his behind.
#2 Grow a spine woman! Learn to say “no!” and mean it. You passively allow your husband to run all over you, chewing you up and spitting you out like a lawnmower does grass. When have you ever established boundaries with this man? Sounds like never to me because he has apparently been getting away with murder for more than five years! He’s so used to getting his way that he throws a tantrum like a two year old when you finally do get the gumption to speak up. Immediately put a stop to this nonsense by saying “no!” to him about pretty much everything. No, hell no, no damn way, no way buddy, not happening now or ever dude, etc. There are many ways to conjugate the word “no!” Here are a few examples you can try:
Him: “Honey, are you going to do my laundry?”
You: “Hell no!”
Him: “I’m hungry. Are you ever going to cook?”
You: “Nope. Your fat a$$ can stand to lose a few pounds anyway.”
Him: “This house is filthy. When are you going to clean up?”
You: “As soon as hell freezes over and all the little Devils go ice skating!”
Him: “Give me your paycheck.”
You: “No! Not happening now or ever again. I earned it, so I will decide how it’s spent, just like you do with the money you make.”
Him: “Honey, I’m going into to watch football.”
You: “The hell you are! Get your lazy butt in gear and clean up the mess you and those brats of yours made. I am not your maid!”
Him: “Honey, how about a little action tonight”
You: “How about you go screw yourself!”
Him: “There’s no food in the house, you need to go shopping!”
You: “No dam way that’s happening! You know where the grocery store is and your legs are not broken!”
Got it? Your responses to him from now on must be centered around “No way, no how, no!” He needs to straighten up and act like he has some sense.
#3 Stop picking up after him like he is a child. What the heck is that all about? After you pick up the kids from daycare, stop and get something to eat before you get home. If you do fix food at home enough for the whole family, clean up the dishes you and the children made, leaving the rest for him. Leave not only all the dishes HE made all day, but all the laundry HE creates and all the mess HE creates for him to clean up. You ain’t his mama and need to stop treating him like a child.
#4 Of course you don’t get sex! Who wants to sleep with THEIR MOTHER? You treat him like a child and completely enable him. There is no way a grown man that has a normal sex drive is going to get wood over his Mom. If you want him to see you as his lover, you need to be more confident in who you are and let him know that he needs to treat you like you are special, which means pleasing you, or you have no reason to stay with him.
#5 Shake him up by getting a newspaper with apartments and circle some. Leave them laying in a halfway hidden place, but somewhere he will see them the next day. When he asks about it, you just say “I didn’t think you cared if I am here or not, and we certainly aren’t living like any husband and wife I ever imagined. So I figured I’d move out. We can separate for awhile so we can both have space and time to think about where we want to go from here. I’m really not happy with things the way they are and you know that but don’t seem to care. You can stay here with the kids. I’ve been feeling taken for granted, mistreated, disrespected and used for a long time now. It’s time for me to do something about it.”
Stop allowing him control you and dictate the terms of your relationship. Demand more and you will get more. Stop babying him and letting him treat you so shabbily.
Take your power back and stand strong. You can turn this around and have a much more equitable marriage, but you will have to show him definitely that the old days of you being a rug that he walks on are over. However, if he continues in the behavior that he is exhibiting, you will have to weigh the pros and cons of being married to this man, seriously considering if the load you’re carrying is a burden you can handle for another 20 years.