Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am a 29-year-old female that has been in a long-term relationship for almost 10 years. We have a 4 year-old son together that we love dearly and our son loves to see us together. Both before and a little after having my son, our relationship was rocky. Six out of the 10 years we’ve been together were terrible. There was a lot of verbal, mental, and emotional abuse for no reason what-so-ever. It’s like you never knew when he was going to snap. There were also a lot of cheating going, which I found out via text message on his phone.
Through all of that I stayed with him. Now our sex life is down the drain; he complains about not having sex enough and I complain that he wants sex too much. Even when we have sex, I’m not turned on because all I can think about is the past and all the bad things he has done to me. So in order for me to get turned on, I think about someone else.
Now that someone else, is someone that I work with. I know messing around with someone at the job is wrong but . . . . I can’t help myself. We did not get intimate yet but I think it’s around the corner. We have kissed and made out like high school kids. I’m lusting for this “new someone” bad and I’m finding my self in “like” of this person also.
Things have been okay in my long term relationship for the last 2 years. Should I still try to work it out, or should I try to proceed with this new person and throw all those years down the drain? I need help!
In a Mess
Too bad you didn’t write to me during those years of abuse and cheating, because if you were going to go, THAT was the time. Since you stayed around and took all his mess, he has little to no respect for you. Most importantly, you have none for yourself, and you’re also furious at him for how he treated you.
However, no matter what he did in the past, you stuck around and took it – for years. The most amazing part to me is that you had a rocky crazy unstable relationship with a fool and you brought a child into the mess. What was that about?
Sadly, 10 years spent with a man without benefit of marriage (and apparently no interest in it at this point), means to me that the relationship is on its last legs. There’s been cheating in the past, and you want to cheat in the present. I’m sure if he is complaining about sex, he is probably out tipping getting it elsewhere anyway.
Your best bet is to start figuring out what you want to do with the relationship you are in, and how you are going to do it to lessen the impact to your son as much as possible. You are young still and have plenty of time left to meet someone else and create a happy, fulfilling life with a new partner. There is no reason to stay involved in a relationship with a man that isn’t making you happy, especially when you are not even married to him! I’d think if he wanted you to be with him on a more permanent basis, he would have asked you to be his wife and create a property family unit. Since that hasn’t happened, I don’t have any guilt about suggesting its time for you to move on.
Now, whether you should move on with a guy at your job… not suggesting that. My rule is “never get your honey where you make your money.” Those work related situations are just a bunch of drama and mess. Always keep your love life and paychecks separate. Some companies even have written rules about such involvements which could result in termination, so I suggest you check that out before you get caught doing something you shouldn’t be doing on the J.O.B.
Consult an attorney if you need to, for help working out child custody, visitation, health insurance coverage and child support. Then move out and move on. Thirty is right around the corner, and you want to hit it free of this go-nowhere relationship.