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By December 3, 2012

The Love of My Life is 30 Years Older Than Me!

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am 21 years old and the man that I am currently dating is 51. He is a very sweet and kind man. He and I have grown so close. He treats me very well and encourages my success. We talk of getting married and I have almost accepted his proposal. However, I have one concern holding me back: my parents are both 38!! How can I bring to them that I have meet the love of my life and I am planning to marry him after I graduate from college? He has two sons that are 28 and 22. Please give advice.older man dating young woman problems

Signed,
Younger Woman in Love with Older Man

Dear Younger Woman:
I am probably not the best one to ask this question because I believe this man and men his age that mess around with young girls are doing nothing but taking advantage. They are taking advantage of your naivete and your need for recognition and acceptance. There is nothing wrong with either of those when framed with other things that make sense long-term.

Right now I believe you are an insecure young woman, frightened about going out into the world on her own. So you’re looking to go from the protection and caretaking provided by your Dad to being taken care of by this guy. You’re afraid to grow up and do things on your own. You’re also very dependent on what he does for you, what he says to you, and how these things make you feel about yourself, but I DOUBT SERIOUSLY that you have enough in common with this man to make a sensible adult marriage.

From my side of the fence, I see many relationships fail even though the couple proclaim themselves to be “in love,” so I know for a fact that more important than being “so close” are things like common views on life, similar values, the ability to work together and negotiate conflict, an interest in growing together and creating a family.

Dang girl, he has children older than you are!

Speaking of children – are babies of your own a dream of yours? Consider that by the time you graduate college, get married and birth a child, this guy will be on the downstroke to 60. This man will be incapable of being a father that runs around tackling his sons playing football, or shooting hoops with them when they are in their teens because dude will be in his 70s!

I think you are mesmerized by his status in life and how he makes you feel secure when you are at the developmental stage where your life is changing rapidly. He is older, more experienced, more sophisticated, and knows what to do and say to get what he wants. I am not impressed with this situation at all.

I think you, as a young woman barely out of her teens, should be thinking past the immediate gratification he provides and into your future. Look 10-20 years down the road as he grows old, sickly and saggy and you are in the prime of life. At some point you will not be scared anymore and won’t need this guy’s caretaking. What then?

Not only that, are you prepared to give up your youth for a man who has already lived his and now selfishly wants to take yours from you? Everything that you want to do and see in life he’s already done and already seen! He’s old enough to be your grandfather. Please tell me what is it that a man older than your own father has so special that a young man closer to your age doesn’t?


I mean, if you really like older men, why not involve yourself with accomplished, professional, educated young men of about 30! There are plenty of astute young professionals around involved in the high-tech and computer industries that would love to have a wife and family.

I have no suggestions for you honey on how to bring your parents around to this situation. When you tell them what you have shared with me, they are both gonna hit the roof! They’ll also be very upset and extremely confused about his motives for involving himself with their child, as am I just reading this letter.

 

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MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.

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About the Author:

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.

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