Several articles outlining the reasons Black men – good black men – are still single have been published on numerous African American websites. I read these lists with amusement due to the fact that they have glaring holes and utilize questionable logic.
A common theme winding through these articles is for the authors to assign blame to Black women for “good Black men” being single and alone. Since statistically, there are at least slightly more single African American women in the U.S. than there are Black men, it would seem to me that any man who truly desired to be married could easily accomplish that goal. In other words, if a Black man is single I would think it is either because he is exceptionally jacked up and no woman (even the desperate ones) want him, OR he just wants to be single.
The male authors of these articles adamantly refuse to address the man’s need to take full and sole responsibility for his life and unmarried (or even uncoupled) state of existence. The total refusal to make Black men accountable for their choices, beliefs about women and relationships, and their personal shortcomings is inexcusable.
For single “good” men to effect a change and position themselves to be interesting and attractive to women requires a reality check. A reality check is exactly what you will find in this posting.
Place cursor over the slideshow image. Then use your scroll wheel or left/right keyboard arrows to navigate through the slides.
- Slide 1
Many of you claim that women have unrealistic expectations about what they want in a man. It’s as if you think a woman must change her mind about what she thinks would work for her, and settle for you because you deem yourself to be “a good black man.” What is “good,” what is “good enough,” and what is “good for me” has always been the question. If you are not what she wants, a woman is under no obligation to be with you; in her opinion you are not good enough for her. She knows herself much better than you do, and only she is qualified to assess what her needs are and how well you meet them. After all, you don’t qualify to be COO of Microsoft Corporation, do you? Same principle applies in dating. There are just some jobs you just ain’t gonna get, no matter how badly you want them because there is another applicant much better suited for the position.
- Slide 2
Dr. Larry Davis (author of “Black and Single”) reminds singles that the dating arena is a marketplace where each and every person has a specific value. Exceptionally good looking, hot bodied, well to do professional brothas with no children will have a higher Romantic Market Value than an average looking, pudgy, postal worker with bad teeth and a felony conviction. Even if you are not a drug dealer, a ghetto street thug with no job, a dishonest player or baby daddy, it still doesn't make you man that women enjoy being around. Your Romantic Market Value may be very low for no reason other than you are an asshole with an unbelievable sense of entitlement. It could also be because you look wierd and dress funny.
- Slide 3
You believe you are hiding the anger you feel at past rejection from new women you meet, but you aren’t. Your resentment at the beautiful women that didn’t want anything to do with you from your buck toothed days in high school is there, just under the surface. Typically, you make nasty little sniping comments about the female gender when you are with your friends. You visit websites popular with other angry rejects and pump each other up with your hatred against the women that “didn’t appreciate a good black man” like you. Women see your posts on social media sites and recognize you for the under the bridge troll you are. Some women in your immediate geographic area are personally acquainted with women that made the mistake of dating you. They shared with their friends the hateful or threatening emails and texts you sent after you got dumped, so everyone knows what you are really about. Your resentment is not a secret, and all women with good sense avoid you like the plague.
- Slide 4
Men get placed in the friend zone for two reasons. (1) you were not in the past, are not now and never will stir her with physical desire; or (2) when you met her you tried too hard to be her friend, never letting her know you were interested in more. On the first, you can forget it. Hanging around trying to convince her that you are what she needs, or waiting for a chance to catch her when she has a weak moment makes you seem desperate. If she is not interested in you “like that” move on. Hanging around a woman you like when she doesn’t like you back is a guaranteed way to get your feelings hurt when you see her tonguing down the dude that does make her hot. On the second one, be clear that the time you wish to spend with her means you two are “going on a date” not “hanging out.” Those four words will instantly let her know what time it is and what your intentions are. You still may not get the girl, but at least she won’t be confused about why you are with her.
- Slide 5
Most men are very selfish. Men must be willing to give unselfishly of their time and energy to be considered to be a great husband and father. As long as you believe that all you have to offer a woman is social approval or material goods, your choice of mates will be limited to social climbers and gold diggers. Once you have advanced your mentality to where you understand the value of intrinsic characteristics like empathy, the ability to nurture, a spirit of protectiveness, the courage to love, selflessness, unwavering patience, and the willingness to give of yourself even when you don’t really want to, then and only then will you be worthy of having a wife.
- Slide 6
Taking care of your social, financial and familial responsibilities are mandatory, but just three of the many qualifications that a male must meet on his way to becoming a man. In spite of male socialization, the mere fact that you were born a biological male with a penis does not qualify you to be a man. Many males are taught that they are automatically men because they are the opposite of everything that is female. In their minds men are strong, logical and dominant, while women are weak, emotional and submissive. Only stupid males think this way. If this is your belief about manhood, you have a long way to go, and that is why you are still single.
- Slide 7
Some women are so anxious to be part of a couple that they leap before they look too deeply at a man’s character and suitability for the long haul. When a woman wants a relationship badly enough, she may default to the teachings she heard growing up that a Black woman is supposed to “work with a brotha!” Such a woman would overlook the red flags that warn of your inappropriateness as a mate: your violent streak, your manipulative controlling attitudes about women, your poor credit and fiscal irresponsibility, or your prison record. Her parents and friends, however, have no such qualms and will look at you and see you for exactly who and what you are with disgust. Don’t take it personally! Their top priority is the safety and happiness of their daughter, their sister, their friend – not you. Anyway, every man should expect to run the gauntlet of those in a woman’s protective circle. I’m sure you would put some dude through the gauntlet that wanted to get at your sister or daughter as well.
- Slide 8
Black men often believe that doing the basics – going to school, getting a job, owning a car, having their own place, paying your child support, and not beating or raping women – makes them “a good black man.” No, that merely makes you a responsible American citizen doing the things you are supposed to do. By comparing yourself to the dregs of society, you come out on top so you feel great about yourself for being nothing but average. But to a Black woman, you are nothing special or unique when compared to men of other ethnicities in this country that do a lot more for themselves and their families.
Remember, all the things you are doing are things you would do whether you had a wife and children or not; you would still have a job, still have a car, still have your own place, do your best to stay out of prison, and pay your bills. So nothing you are doing is particularly “good” for your woman. To be considered a good black man by an achievement oriented and successful woman, you need to do more and be more than just average.
- Slide 9
Women know very well exactly what they want in a man. The problem is that when she met you, she was thrilled to believe you were a particular type of dreamy man. However, as she got to know you better she discovered there were things about you that she didn’t like, that turned her off, that scared her, or that made her feel badly about herself. In other words, you turned out to be something else entirely than a dream. Many men in such situations attempt to protect their egos by blaming women, claiming females are indecisive and flakey. In reality after a few weeks or months your Nightmare on Elm Street side came out and you no longer fit her ideal. She decided that you are not the man she needs or even wants.
- Slide 10
The fear of falling in love or marrying a man “on the Down Low” is very real. When author E. Lynn Harris published Invisible Life in 1994, he became the first Black man to expose this undercover lifestyle that threatened the physical and mental health of Black women worldwide. With the millions of young Black males going to prison every year, the likelihood that a woman will meet or date a Black male that has dabbled in homosexual activity is very high. Again, don’t take it personally that a woman may be suspicious of your sexuality, especially if some of your mannerisms, friends, or the way you look at other men rings her alarm bells.
- Slide 11
You believe that black women don’t recognize a good man when they see one, and that’s why no one is choosing you. As stated above, it merely means you are not good for HER. You believe that Black women think you are too good to be true. That’s just their polite way of getting rid of you, trust me. You believe Black women don’t know how to “let a man be a man.” If you were truly a man, no one and nothing could take that from you. You believe that Black women are too angry, too masculine, too ghetto and that foreign women are better. In reality you are a weak man and need someone that doesn’t know the language, have a job, have an education, or have resources of her own so that you can shore up your ego and feel like the Shiznit by having ultimate control over her. The fact that no Black American woman will let you run her life does not make her stupid, it makes you stupid to think that controlling a woman is what makes a successful marriage. That’s why you’re still single. Anyway, foreign brides divorce Black men every day and take half when they go. That dependent little woman that didn’t speak English and never worked will have you on the hook for alimony for 30 years because she has no employment record and no job skills.
- Slide 12
You feel you must have a woman that makes your friends envious, a woman that other men stare at with lust when you take her out. You believe you would feel positively defined and at the top of your manhood game if you could have a woman like that on your arm.
You believe that other men would think more highly of you and that your ego will get a boost if you have a woman that is exceptionally attractive. In truth, how a woman looks to other men should never be the determining factor in choosing a mate for you. How your woman looks does not make you a better man.
Look in the mirror! You are still short, still have man boobs and a belly, are still socially awkward, still an eccentric geek, and you still get on women’s nerves. Trying to impress other men instead of women when you claim to be heterosexual is another reason why you’re still single.
- Slide 13
Every unmarried Black man that truly wanted a loving wife could be married by the end of the year if he wanted. There are millions of attractive, accomplished, single Black women that would love to meet and marry you.
Spend some time examining your belief systems about women and the value love and family has. Get real with yourself about gender stereotypes, sexism and female objectification. Think about your long-term relationship needs. Then find a woman that meets YOUR emotional, spiritual and psychological needs, not those of your friends or your pervert uncle or your penis.
Look for a woman that makes your heart happy… with whom you feel safe and secure, and your single days will be over.
Category: Coop's Corner