By December 1, 2011

We have very different sexual appetites

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
Can a relationship work if the two people involved have different sexual appetites? I mean, you like it everyday and your mate doesn’t need it quite as often.  Can or will it offset itself, or should you be with someone who has the same type of appetite?

Signed,
Frustrated


Dear Frustrated:
Ideally, the needs of the couple should be similar, but they will never be exactly the same. There are always going to be times when one wants it and the other is too tired, distracted, not feeling very excited about looking at you after you did or said something stupid or hurtful. Or perhaps the partner has to get up early and deal with kids, or got to bed late from dealing with work and/or kids, or is coming down with an illness and feeling like crap. And sometimes people just don’t feel like getting pawed on and just wanna relax and be by themselves.

One also has to remember that what a lot of people think are physical needs are not, they are emotional needs. Many men and women believe they need sex and use it to get the hugging and touching that is what they truly crave.  Men may refuse to acknowledge that’s what is really going on because getting a hug isn’t considered “manly.” Women often avoid asking for non-sexual touches because they know their boyfriend/husband will pressure them to turn romantic touching into something sexual.

Both men and women must remember that relationships should be full of daily non-sexual intimacy such as kissing either on the cheek or lips, light touches as couples pass each other during the day, meaningful hugs, playing footsie as you watch television together, holding hands as you walk together, back and shoulder rubs, etc.

So my answer to you is “yes,” the higher frequency of sex at the beginning of relationships ALWAYS dwindles down after awhile because life and reality and responsibilities take over. The frequency/quantity of sex may curb, but quality usually increases as the couple learn what the other likes better and feel more comfortable with each other.  Communicate your needs to your partner without anger and try to arrive at a solution that works for both of you. If there is no interest in or ability to compromise, then it is probably best that the two of you split and find other partners.

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MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.

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About the Author:

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.

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