Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I met a girl and fell in love with her. We have been dating for 18 months and living together for almost a year. We live in a small town and have very few friends here so we are with each other 24/7 because we also work together.
The butterflies in my stomach all are gone now and I don’t get chilled by the touch anymore. Sex is slowly diminishing as well – seems like we have to try to get in the mood. I can’t imagine life without her nor do I care to. I know if she were gone I would miss her dearly. But seems the relationship has slowly lost its spark. Is there a point where love becomes a choice rather then this overwhelming feeling everyone talks about?
Not Feeling The Heat
Dear No Heat:
You are confusing LUST with LOVE, a mistake many young men and women make.<p>
Sure love is a choice! You think people that have been together for 20 years still get chilled by a touch? NO WAY! They are together because they would rather be with that person, their best friend in the world and the one they have history with, than anyone else they can think of. That is what the term “commitment” means – you are there through the good and bad, at love’s peaks and in its valleys.
Love, like other emotions, cycles through our lives and our hearts. Some mornings you wake up, look at your mate and go “ugh, what are you STILL DOING HERE, especially since you know you make me SICK!?”
At other times you love your partner so much you want to get into their skin with them to be just that much closer to their heart. In other words, what you are feeling right now is a completely normal part of a long-term relationship.
However, in this case I wonder if you two didn’t rush into this relationship. It’s exciting to be on a romantic high, moving in and making a serious commitment to a person that is little more than a stranger. You can’t really know a person in just a few months, not enough to move in together and play the role of a married couple. You just can’t.
But as the spark fades what that means is that you two have to do things to bring the spark back. You are both sitting there waiting for it to happen by itself, and it won’t. There are no Pitter Patter fairies dude, arriving in the dark of night to zap you with a magical wand.
So don’t be a lazy bones – think of some things that you want to do with your life but haven’t yet – hobbies you want to try, interests you’d like to investigate, sports you’d like to play, etc. Bring passion into your life in other ways and it will find its way into your bedroom.
Also try spending a little time away from each other for a new perspective – maybe go visit family or friends in another area of the State for a weekend and let her go hang out with some of the single gals at work.
And finally, if you don’t like living in a small town and find it stifling and boring, then for heaven’s sake pack your bags and MOVE!
Category: Daily Advice Questions