What’s Up With Men Giving Women THEIR Phone Number?

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
What is with guys giving you their number rather than asking for yours? I think it inordinately changes the dynamic in the dating game: women become the pursuers and men the pursued. I like a man to ask me out and pursue me. It makes me feel wanted and special. I don’t see why a man would do this unless the woman was somewhat standoffish toward him. What is your take?

Signed,
Linda

Dear Linda:
Girl, I am with you. There is no benefit to me to take a man’s number that did not have the cajones to ask for mine in return. That’s my preference, an exchange of numbers, because sometimes bad things happen and you miss out on opportunities.

For example, back in the old days when we still had answering machines, I’d met a very interesting and handsome young man. I really WANTED him to call me, which he did. Unfortunately when I was listening to his message the cassette tape on my answering machine snapped. I remember staring at it in disbelief. I was unable to return his call because I didn’t have his number. The tape broke before it got that far into the message, and since he hadn’t given me his number, I had no Plan B to fall back on.

So that was the end of that. I’m sure in his mind, I was some silly game player because I never called him back, though I seemed interested. In my mind I was wishing he’d had the courage to try just one more time before giving up to make SURE I really did get his message. It was a horrible experience and taught me that exchanging numbers is really the only way to do things.

Now, why would a guy give a woman his number and not ask for hers? There are several reasons:

He is a player. He lives by the rule that he doesn’t call women because he doesn’t have to. He has so many women calling him you see. The fact that women call him makes him feel like he is alla that, and it gives the image to his friends that he is a major mack daddy because he can brag that he has all these b*#*@&! calling him.
He is afraid of rejection. He gives his number out so that if the woman is even remotely interested she will call him. That way he doesn’t have to face the rejection of calling and getting the “Who?” He also doesn’t want to leave a message then get his feelings hurt when she never returns his call.
He is setting things up so you do all the work. These guys like to position women to do the pursuing, along with ALL the work to establish and maintain any subsequent relationship. Women get caught up trying to be a “Millenium Woman” and meet his gaming standards for a feminist woman. Before they know it, these women are asking him out, organizing all the dates, paying for all the dates, picking him up in their car, proposing, buying their own engagement ring, buying their own xmas and birthday gifts, etc. In other words, the guy is just a passenger on the “ride” doing nothing but breathing, while the woman is like a mule carrying him and the relationship on her back. All by herself. Such relationships are never fulfilling or rewarding for the lady.
He gives his number out to everyone. This guy uses the “throw enough mud against a wall, some of it will stick!” technique of dating. Some of these guys have what we used to call “social cards” made up with their number, email, Facebook page, Twitter handle, Instagram and Linked In URL on it. They don’t even take the time to write anything, just hand you a card.

What’s even worst though is the guys that DO get your number, but never call! They just send one stupid text after another to say “hello beautiful!” or “what you up to?” or some other inane, juvenile types of dialogue. SMH.

I agree with you that in a situation where a woman is interested but leery, giving her HIS number puts her in the power position and if she decides to investigate further she can, and do it on a schedule that works with her comfort level. After all, a woman feeling comfortable enough to go on a date with a guy and reveal things about herself is risky. if he gives her the Willies or the creeps, or she decides she isn’t interested in getting to know a new person right now, she can toss it away without any drama.

Unfortunately, our society is changing and many younger women have no problem with calling men, asking men out and even paying for dates. To me, raised by an old school father, with very gentlemanly uncles, grandfathers and older brothers, such behavior is frowned upon. If they even HEARD about me doing such a thing and taking the lead in a relationship, they would give me some serious side eye action and a stern talking to.

My Dad and Grandfathers emphasized repeatedly when I was growing up that when a man is interested, he will put forth the energy and effort to get what it is he wants. Whether that be a new car, a new job, an education, a 2 carat engagement ring, or the woman of his dreams. And unless a man is willing to do that for me, then it means he doesn’t see a relationship with me as worthy of his energy and focus, in which case I should leave that gentleman alone and move on. He is not the one.

And this focus and willingness to pursue what it is he is interested in begins with the first “hello”, and moves on to calling you and asking you out.

MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.