Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I’ve been seeing a man for 10 months, and we’ve grown very close in that time. The problem is that he won’t admit that we’re “in a relationship”! It’s the strangest thing.
Although we spend all of our spare time together, I’ve met his family and friends (including ex-girlfriends and male buddies), and he asks my advice on everything he d0es (and vice versa), he just won’t admit that we’re together. He calls me 10 times a day just to hear my voice, but he still tries to convince people that we’re “just friends,” when everyone knows better.
I’m pretty sure he’s not seeing anyone else, because he’s always with me! Whenever I ask for an official statement about where his head and heart and loyalties lie so I can be sure if we’re in sync, I can’t get one. I’m starting to get fed up.
Don’t Get It
Dear Don’t Get It:
Men like this are stupid. I say that because he is too stupid to realize that he is in love and that you are his girlfriend, he is in a committed relationship, and that he is not interested in anyone else. HOWEVER, by refusing to acknowledge any of those facts, he gives himself an important out – freedom to do whatever he pleases with whomever he pleases because he is “not in a relationship” with you. This is a very important distinction that you need to stay focused on, no matter what he does or who you meet, his staunch refusal to vocalize that you two are an item keeps you are arms length and out of his realm of emotional responsibility.
So what I suggest you do is start easing away from him. If he calls 10x a day, pick up 2-3x and let it go to voicemail the other times. If he tries to spend time with you every day, tell him that you have other things to do and will see him in a few days. When he gets antsy about the change, tell him that since you’re “just friends”, you have to make time to date other men and find someone that wants more than a buddy with sex, which is just what you want. You want a relationship with a future, not to hang out with a man forever like a teenager.
And since you two are such great friends, make sure you treat him like one. That means he gets no “boyfriend” privileges like all your time, sex, your home cooking, your love, and all your attention. He should be treated exactly as you would treat one of your female friends, no better and no worst.
What does that mean? Well, let me give you some examples.
- You wouldn’t have a female friend calling you 10 times a day to hear your voice, or you would think she might be gay or a stalker or something. He should not be doing that either.
- You would chat with your female friends about the guys you met and the dates you went on, and that is the same thing you should do with him.
- You wouldn’t let your female friend occupy all your free time, neither should you allow him to.
You get the idea. He knows that relationship titles are important to women, and is just playing silly games at this point. He needs to be put in his place and stop being given the chair of honor when he has, by his own admission, declined it. Make him be a man of his word by pushing him back out of your life somewhat and giving him the space and time to miss you and what you bring to his world. He needs a serious reality check and something to think about.
I’m sure he’ll come back singing a different song within a week, then your relationship can move forward like two adults. This guy… SMH