Touchy Feely on the First Date?

[MsHeartBeat]

I just put a survey up which poses the question:

"How Do You Feel About Someone Getting Touchy Feely on the First Date?" 

If you have a minute to respond, please visit the home page of the website AskHeartBeat.Com and cast your vote!

[MzSheel]

I will take the survey, but wanted to respond here as well. 

I am a "touchy-feely" person myself (as those that have met me know since I greet with a hug).  But these types of touches are non-sexual.  IF he is a touchy-feely - casually brushing your arm or even knee while talking, guiding the small of your back when you are entering a room, etc., then, no, it would not be uncomfortable.

If he was overly familiar in a somewhat sexual way, then I would feel very uncomfortable and would put the brakes on immediately.  I think a man must wait for a woman to let him know that SHE'S ready to move forward before he initiates sexual advances.  For him to become an octopus and we don't even know each other like that or I'm not feelin him that way, would end the date and any hope for a second date (not that he'd want to date me either!).

[Kimora]

I will take the survey as well....

However, I don't think I would appreciate a man being too touchy feely on a first date.  It is disrespectful and it would make me feel as though homeboy is trying to make an express stop into my bedroom.   

I want to be treated like a woman.......not like some hoochie........unfortunately the men coming up today are like untrained animals and many don't know how to conduct themselves on dates and don't know how to court a woman properly on a basic level.  Really sad........If I go out on a date and the man goes in front of me and doesn't open the door first, doesn't open my car door, talks on his cell phone along with a host of other piggish behavior that will be our first and last date........I went on a date with someone about two years ago and homeboy was at the dinner table and kept answering his cell phone so I politely got up so as to give him his privacy for the remainder of the evening so that he could talk in peace!   

I wonder if he's still sitting there lol lol lol lol 

[Susa]

 

[MsHeartBeat]

Kimora is evil.  lololol

[devineone]

I will take the survey as well.  I am an affectionate person with people I'm comfortable with; that said, I don't like men taking sexual liberties with me on the first date.  A nice peck on the cheek or a light hug is sufficient.  Greetings should be just that greetings and not an excuse to move towards the physical while we are still at the meet and greet stage.

[Bambi eyes]

"How Do You Feel About Someone Getting Touchy Feely on the First Date?"

I would feel violated.  The best thing for a man to do is take their que from the woman and respond in graduated gestures once she gives you the go ahead.

[Legacy]

I want to be treated like a woman.......not like some hoochie........unfortunately the men coming up today are like untrained animals and many don't know how to conduct themselves on dates and don't know how to court a woman properly on a basic level.  Really sad........If I go out on a date and the man goes in front of me and doesn't open the door first, doesn't open my car door, talks on his cell phone along with a host of other piggish behavior that will be our first and last date.....

K

I mean really.. K.. no no.. really..... K...

C'mon....

If someone happens to get a phone call during your date, you're not going to go out with him again? Jeez, talk about ridiculous.

Now, I ain't talking about holding a 15 minute convo. That's obviously rude if you don't really know the person. However, simply answering the phone, having a quick 30 sec to 1 minute convo then telling someone that you're @ dinner & you'll call them back in a few?

Walk in front of you? Opening your car door? C'mon, this ain't 1925. Y'all need to get over it. It's 2008. Women fought for equality (rightfully so) & got it. The early 1900s ain't coming back. Stop watching them TNT classic movie re-runs!! Y'all ain't going to the prom!
This is about running to Outback & grabbing a bite to eat!

Besides, what about his expectations of *you*?  Are you willing to meet them? Since you're so adrent about *your* expectations surely you can understand a man being the same about his correct? Or is this all about what you want & expect so to hell with him?

This is a perfect example of how overemphasizing small things can make you miss out on a good person. What if he's intelligent? What if he's progressive? What's if he's well educated & gainful employed? What if he's a person of outstanding character? What if he has a terrific personality & attitude? What if he's looking for a wife?

None of that matters because he got a phone call & didn't open your car door? And y'all ask why some sistas are single?

C'mon...

[devineone]

Legacy, I'm with Kimora, I wouldn't be interested in sitting across from a dude who is constantly on his cell phone answering calls.  That's just plain rude. 

He could put that phone on vibrate, or on call silent.  I think people have lost all kind of manners when it comes to the cell phone.  They treat it as though it is like an IV connected to a vein or something. 

I had a girlfriend who would call me to hang out with her and the whole time we were hanging out, walkiing down the street together, she would be on her phone taking calls.  I finally got fed up with that rude behavior and asked her why she wanted my company when clearly she had enough company on her cell.

Do you know she thought I was being rude and didn't understand where I was coming from?  Since when did the person on the phone warrant more time and attention than the person actually in front of you?  I don't blame Kimora I would have left his azz sitting at the table too.

As for chivalry, there is nothing wrong with opening car doors, holding out a coat for a lady.  What's wrong with that.  I'm not impressed with a guy's intelligence if he can't be a gentleman too.  My mom said that when she was in high school, they had to take "charm classes", and guys had to take "gentleman classes, this was back in the late 50's.  I think they need to bring these classes back because there are some men and women that could use them.

I see guys walking down the sidewalks and they'll just spit on the sidewalk out in public in front of people.  That is just nasty.  I'm not going to even get into guys wearing their pants down on their legs with their azzes sticking out.  That's just nasty.

I was raised to have good manners and I have little time for men who just don't see good manners as important.  It doesn't matter if he is smart, looking for a wife and has a good job or whatever.  He needs to have decent manners to go along with that package.

[devineone]

So I go out on a date with this dude last night and we had an enjoyable time for the most part.  However this guy became somewhat annoying when he became a little tipsy (though he repeatedly denied it)and thought he was making conversation when he was really rambling, repeating himself, trying to make statements but really came off making disjointed sentences.  He kept trying to get me to drink more, and I stopped after two.

At the end of the date (first date), we leave the club, and we’re headed towards the train, dude asks me for a hug. (See right there, clue #1), this dude at 33, ought to have sense enough to read body language.  If you have to ask for a hug, chances are, the sista ain’t feeling you enough to give you a hug like that.

At any rate, I relented (against my better judgment), and allowed him to hug me.  Man this guy grabbed my azz, and pushed himself into my groin where I discovered a rapidly growing erection and his lips clamped down on my neck and he started  sucking like he’s phucking Count Dracula (or more like count Penicula).   (Now we are out in public), He didn’t even know if I liked PDA, and then he took liberties like that?  I mean what the phuck?  

I didn’t want to clown on his azz out in public (I gave him much more consideration than he did me).  I firmly pushed him away. (I do mean firmly because Dude wasn’t letting go) and I told him, “You’re taking too many liberties here.”  Do you know what this dude said…” Can I have just one more hug?  I rolled my eyes  and got on the train to head home. 

What a disappointment.  You’d think that this dude who is in investment banking and insurance brokerage for firms, with all of his “edumacation”, would at least know how to step up to a lady out on a first date.  Dude had no clue.   
I guess he felt that since he had wined and dined me, he was automatically entitled to get some kind of "touchy feely" from it.

So I’m at work this morning and one of my co-workers noticed a little slight red spot on my neck, she says to me in a somewhat smirkys sly tone. “Who left you a little memory?”  I hadn’t even noticed it.  (I guess she gets these hickeys on the regular). I go into the bathroom and sure enough, dude left a hicky on my neck in less than 1 minute!
 
Why do some guys feel that women they go out with, are automatically clamouring for them to sex them up?  I mean shyt, it was just our first date!  In this fast paced internet online hookup society we now live in, I guess one actual date and a few phone calls is equivalent  to what used to be at least about 2 months of dating someone before we start grabbing azz and shyt. 
I mean for real though.

The other thing with this date, although it was a co-incidence with this guy, it was still a pretty funny one, was that he had just come from a wedding where part of the gift for the entire Wedding party was receiving manicures and pedicures.  So dude is sporting a serious manicure.  His nails look better than mine (though that's not saying much since I rarely get manicures).  Still his nails were glossy and filed to a point.  I kept looking at his nails during the date and thinking to myself "Dayum, Brotha's sporting a serious manicure, wonder what thats about".  I finally asked him and he told me about the wedding and what not.

A little later the conversation turned towards medicines, herbal alternative and surgeries and how the pharmaceutical companies and doctors are all evil and yada yada yada.. and when I just listened he thought I was disagreeing with him, when privately I'm thinking, I've heard this rant before... Anyway, he told me he had had hemorroid surgery about 10 years ago, and I snapped out of my fog .  It's just a coincidence  I know, but that surgery and those nails just had me thinking OK hmmm.

When I kept looking at his nails, he told me that he is straight and he never noticed his nails.  Maybe that's why dude pulled me into a clinch after the date, he had to prove his manliness... Whatever, all he proved to me, was:
1.  He's immature for a 33 year old guy
2.  He needs to know his limit when he's out drinking
3. He's disrespecful (A guy that grabs a woman's azz on a first date and start grinding C'mon)
4. He's arrogant (He talked the entire night about what "he" thought was best for me". (hmmm reminds me of someone...
Well I got that off my chest...

[mochagirl1]

Besides, what about his expectations of *you*?  Are you willing to meet them? Since you're so adrent about *your* expectations surely you can understand a man being the same about his correct? Or is this all about what you want & expect so to hell with him?

This is a perfect example of how overemphasizing small things can make you miss out on a good person. What if he's intelligent? What if he's progressive? What's if he's well educated & gainful employed? What if he's a person of outstanding character? What if he has a terrific personality & attitude? What if he's looking for a wife?

None of that matters because he got a phone call & didn't open your car door? And y'all ask why some sistas are single?

Dang, Legacy, this is not a male vs. female thing right here.     It's about respect.  Kimora's right.  If a man or even a woman is all on the phone, then that's rude.  How did this turn into a convo about her expectations of a perfect man?  Dang, just chill.   All she's saying is that a person on a date is supposed to be attentive to the person they are out with, respect physical boundaries, and be polite and considerate.  What's wrong with that?  Sistas are single for lots of reasons, but a woman shouldn't have to lower her expectations just to be with someone. 

[Ndgo]

Where did you meet this guy? How much do you know about him... was he a referral from a friend?

I dunno... seems like he's out and won't get a second chance... this guy sounds like a rude loser with little or no redeeming values... He was definitely out of line ..and made a horrible 1st impression. How looooooooooong was this date anyway? Seems like you put up with a whole lot. You must be the patient, kind sort.... Back in the day -- at the start of what I suspect to be a looooooooooooooooooooong boring story or convo, I'd pack it up and call it a day. I was infamous for that... took me a while to get out of the habit too. People didn't take too kindly to it and called me just a wee bit rude.  But having my time wasted used to annoy the heck out of me... especially if it involved a looooooong, boring, stupid story by a braggard. I used to take my wrist and twirl it...kind of like how you do when you want to speed something up... and IF he didn't get the hint.... he surely got the point as he saw the back of my head, heading towards my car...

I'd take pass on this one if I were you... and not answer his calls -- cut him off quickly... probably without even a explaination... Was there anything you liked about the guy BEFORE this date?

Normally, when I used to date... I always did the lunch date thing first... you know, kinda like a trial run... guys can get a little weird as the sun starts to set.... hands have a tendancy to get lower as the sun goes down... besides I really valued my time...savored it and never wanted to waste a moment being coupled up with a dud... I rather be on the beach somewhere reading a good book.

This guy is what I used to call a "masher". Forget him... and he probably has tendancies anyway...    weird little dude... NEXT ==>

[philnation]

Dang DO, sounds like you met a real winner there!   

[devineone]

Yeah Ndgo,
I was much more considerate of his feelings than he was of mine.  I wanted to knee him in the groin when he grabbed me like that, but you know, I'm doing my southern thing, being nice and sweet, I hate public scenes.  Later as I rode the train home and reflected on that shyt, it pissed me off to the max .   I met him about 3 weeks earlier while attending a friend's gig at a club in the Village.  This dude is good friends with the owners and he kept smiling at me whenever I passed the bar. (I was keeping the door for my friend).  He introduced himself and we talked briefly, he seemed nice enough, so and didn't come off as an azz when I met him and in subsequent phone conversations he was quite polite.  This shyt came out of the blue.  He had a few drinks and just cut loose!.

The thing is, that in this double standard society that we live in, had I grabbed his azz and ground myself up in his groin, I'm sure he would have tried to hit it, but in the back of his mind, he would have written me off as being a loose woman and after hitting it, he would have never called me again.  Yet guys think they can pull this type of trifling disrespectful behavior, and women are supposed to be ok with it, think nothing of it, be flattered that they "found them attractive and hit on them", and expect that the woman will still want to keep in touch with the guy afterwards.

I was talking to my guy friend about this just tonight, he's an older musician.  He said that many women expect guys to act this way and they accept this as normal behavior and will get mad at a guy if he won't hit on them.  Well these women are ruining it for "ladies like me'.

OK, the hug didn't bother me so much (though I was slightly annoyed that he put me on the spot and asked), so I hugged him, but that didn't give him license to get into a grab and grind session right on the street in the Village! I mean dang!!

No worries, that was his first and last date with me.  He just phucked up what could have been a possibly good thing.  He gets no second chances.

Yeah Phil, initially he seemed nice and respectful, but alas, that alcohol peeled that thin layer of respect away really quick.
Oh well, back to the drawing board.

[Bambi eyes]

Devineone,  that was funny as hell...I wouldn't have been able to get to sleep when I got home after all of that crazy business.  Are you sure someone didn't slip something into his drink?  I can understand the manicure at the wedding, but if I was going out and had something wierd on or about me, I'd remove it before going out to impress the ladies... pointed nails... where's my nail clip....hahahahahahaha...too funny!   Then with the touchy feely part... what about an apology  or something along those lines after he was informed that what he'd done was overstepping bounds... it's like that went in one ear and out the other...can he get another hug? ... What kind of wierdo responds like that...not impressed.