Jokes & Humor: Idiot Sightings

[MsHeartBeat]

IDIOT SIGHTINGS...

Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? "He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #4:
I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open."

Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"

"I know," answered the young man... "I already got that side."

[devineone]

Condom Conumdrum

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a magnificent cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.”

[philnation]

IDIOT SIGHTINGS...

Sighting #4:
I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Classic!  I have a bunch more from an e-mail that included this one.


1st Person:  "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person:  "A little.  What's wrong?"
1st Person:  "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person:  "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person:  "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.  She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker.  Now I can't get into my car.  Do you think they, (pointing to a distant convenience store), would have a battery for this?"  "Hmmm, I dunno.  Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

Tech Support:  "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:  "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont.  The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.  One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.  What do I do?"  "Just use copier machine paper," she told him.  With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

I was working the help desk.  One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC.  I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing.  She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit.  I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.

One of our servers crashed.  I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it.  He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"  I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."  I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard.  Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached.  He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway.  He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."  I asked the manager what had happened.  He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.  The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation.  Would you like to hold?"

I rented a movie from Blockbuster.  Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

[philnation]

Another e-mail from a while back:

Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are Technologically Challenged,you "ain't seen nothin'" yet.  This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return  Key"  because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on.  The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.  A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door.  The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.  After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked.  He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid."  The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

8. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.  He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find the printer."  The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on.  After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.  Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."  The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work.  She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.  When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

11. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support.  "I put in the first disk, and that was OK.  It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk.  When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..."The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive.  The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

[devineone]

The cremated husband.
 
Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
 
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.  Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
 
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money !"
 
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
 
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman,
remember that blow job I promised you?"
 
"Here it comes"