Living Together Before Marriage

[MsHeartBeat]

It seems to be the popular thing to do.  Lots of women move in with their boyfriends, thinking it means something serious is happening, when the guys are just looking at it as being a convenience for money and sex.  Living together is just that - its not marriage.  But some people feel that once they move in together "its just like being married."

Are you FOR or AGAINST living together as dating singles?  Would you live with someone before you were even engaged, or only afterwards?  Or would you only do it if you were married?

What justifications do you have for your stance?

[devineone]

I read a really good article that actually appeared in your advice column some time ago before I came on the talk forums. Anyway this article wasn't morally for or against living together but it did highlight some practical concerns couples should take into consideration before living together.  I'm going to try and find that article.

I've never lived with any of the LTR's I've had.  I've always valued my own living space and didn't want to be homeless should the relationship go sour and I'd have to up and move.  (sort of pessimistic  I know, but practical).

Even though I'm tired of the old "why buy the cow refrain, there is some truth to that old saying.  I'd live with a guy only if a date is set at the church and we're getting married inside of 3 to 6 months.  I'd also want us to move into a new place together, rather than he move into my place or vice versa.  That way we can both stake out our new territory at the same time and make it "ours'.   Living together sans marriage IMO is just a sticky gray area.  You're not married, but you're more than bf and gf.  It's like going right up to the line, but not crossing over to take the final step.  If I'm going to move in with someone, it's only a step towards marriage to me.  What incentive does the guy have to marry me, if he's getting all the benefits of marriage without marriage?  I don't mean to sound mercenary.  I also realize that "a piece of paper' doesn't guarantee the success of a relationship either.  However marriage is supposed to be much more than a piece of paper.

Marriage does provide certain legal safeguards that a "living together situation" does not.  Just ask people who lived together for years on end and had children but when one of the partners became ill or heaven forbid died, they were not named "next of kin" and had very little legal grounds to stand on.

[philnation]

Point blank, I will not live with a woman I am not married to.  As far as I'm concerned the commitment is not the same when a couple shacks up.  If I feel ready to live with her, then I feel ready to marry her.  In that scenario, I will buy the ring (none of this "still making payments on it the day of the wedding", either) and ask her to marry me because obviously I feel she's the woman for me to spend the rest of my life with.

From what I've seen, I think the likelihood of marrying later on takes a nosedive when a couple shacks up.  For one, marrying would seem anticlimactic, because seemingly little if anything changes, hence the urgency to marry goes down significantly or even disappears.  Also, if you're not married, it's easier to leave the relationship over a petty little matter, and not just because of legalities (I realize it's easy enough legally to get a divorce these days - the divorce rate will back that up)  This is especially the case with people in my generation, since many of us are of the mindset that "if it doesn't feel good now, get out", instead of realizing that relationships, just like jobs, will have occasions that are less than memorable.

My parents have been married for nearly 34 years; they lived together for a short time before they got married, but more to the point, they've had some bad moments together but aren't leaving each other anytime soon.  They know how to work past problems that come up in their relationship.  They made a real commitment to each other nearly 34 years ago.

Furthermore, when shacking up, the man gets all the benefits of marriage without having to make the lifetime commitment - bad move!

I can count on one hand the number of couples I know personally that shacked up and later got married.

Proponents of shacking up will say that if a couple shacks up and doesn't get married, it's good that they found out they weren't meant for each other before they walked down the aisle.  To that, I say: if you can't determine that the person you're with isn't someone you can grow with for the rest of your life just from dating them over a period of time without living together, you're either not very perceptive or not ready to marry anyone at all.  I've also known couples that shacked up, then ended the relationship before getting married over petty things instead of things that would be a real problem down the line, using a petty thing as their excuse to opt out because they couldn't be honest about wanting out of it.

[Ndgo]

Good points Phil... can't see I have much more to add right now... you and Devineone got it all covered.

Personally, it wouldn't make sense to live together with some I'm romantically interested in without the benefits of a marriage. Why would I settle for so little while giving up so much? I'd be so unhappy all the time... and I'd nag him to death... I just wouldn't find it acceptable that he got me living under those circumstances... I would have to be half dead or maybe a parapalegic to stand for that type of treatment... If I had half a nub to stand on, I'd hobble my behind right out the door! 

[mochagirl1]

I lived with my husband briefly before we married, but then again, we only moved in together after he proposed.  Yet, I have known other couples who have lived together and have successful marriages.  I guess it's all about intentions and having a clear understanding about where you stand in a relationship.  If  a woman just moves in with a man just hoping that he'll marry her, then more than likely he won't.  But if a man has stated in no uncertain terms that he wants to be with a woman and wants her for a life mate then there's a good chance marriage will be in the picture.  Women also have to be firm in their resolutions.  If they know they are ready to settle down and aren't willing to wait their whole lives for a man, why spend ten years living with a man?  After a short period of time, she needs to sit him down and ask him "Look, I want to know where this relationship is going." 

This kind of conversation should preferably take place BEFORE moving in with a man.  Otherwise, a woman just hoping to "wear a man down" will continue to wait for something she'll never have. 

[Legacy]

I lived with my husband briefly before we married, but then again, we only moved in together after he proposed.  Yet, I have known other couples who have lived together and have successful marriages.  I guess it's all about intentions and having a clear understanding about where you stand in a relationship. 

Booyah..

[cool breeze]

I echo what Legacy said..Some folks move in with another person just for convenience's sake..They don't have marriage on their minds at all..

[MsHeartBeat]

Check out the article I put up a few weeks ago on this subject entitled "Living Together Before Marriage is Dumb: If Your Goal Is Marriage, Don't Move In Before Saying 'I Do!' 

I think you guys have a good handle on the pros and cons.  Amazing how many people don't though...