Homely People

[MsHeartBeat]

I know this sounds mean, but really, what each of us determines to be "homely" is as varied as our tastes in cars clothes and ice cream!  Therefore what YOU see as an unattractive homely or even downright ugly person might not be seen that way by me.

But I want to put this question on the floor for discussion.

Say you meet someone that you feel is not that attractive physically.  How readily would you give that person a chance to get to know you?

Do you find that your standards with regards to what is attractive or homely have changed as you have aged and/or matured?

Do homely women get less dates than beautiful women do - or do you feel that men really tend to pass over women on both ends of the spectrum when it comes to relationships?

Do homely people have to try harder?  Have a better personality? Be more giving?  Have lower standards?  More money or bling?  Be a better dresser?

[devineone]

I think this was asked before, but maybe that thread was lost.  As you say Ms HB beauty or in this case homely is in the eyes of the beholder.  Heck some guys may find me homely.
Regardless of their looks, I cannot be with someone if I'm not physically attracted to them.  Again this is very individual taste as one person's homely may be someone else's Beyonce. 
I've tried to date guys that I had little to no physical attraction for and it just didn't work for me every time.  I guess for me, I can't light a fire without a spark.  I also can't force that spark to be there either no matter how much my brain wants it to be there. 

My standards of who I find attractive have changed as I've gotten older, but they were very fluid to begin with.  I don't have a list that I check off.  If I meet someone and they are attractive and things work out as I get to know them, then I'm cool with that.  The guy who ended up being the one I fell deeply in love with was not someone I personally would have thought would have been "attractive to me."  But we had chemistry, most definitely! 

I don't think so-called homely women get less dates than beautiful women.  In fact they may date more as guys can be intimidated by a woman who is beautiful.  They probably think the beautiful woman has plenty of guys all over her so they may be hesitant to approach.    I do think in this dating era, guys don't approach women so much as women approach guys, therefore; guys tend to pass over women on both ends of the spectrum when it comes to initating relationships.  A lot of times it's the woman who initiates contact and drives the relationship.  Guys tend to be more passive.  (More fishermen than hunters). 

[Starchild]

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife..."

Robin Harris said that he preferred ugly women because they were more "obedient."  And they fuk better.   

I can't get with an ugly woman.  My concepts of beauty are my own, but I can't get with a woman I don't find attractive.  No way around it.

[cool breeze]

I can't get with an ugly woman.  My concepts of beauty are my own, but I can't get with a woman I don't find attractive.  No way around it.

I have to second what Starchild said above..When I was single, a woman had to be attractive to me..There were a couple of really nice women in my sister's church that were interested in me, but they just didn't do it for me..

That's not to say that all the women that I thought were fine went ga-ga for me either..lol..I remember a friend trying to set me up with his wife's cousin..I saw her picture and I was like, sign me up!! 

Man, when we met up at a basketball game that woman took one look at me and you could see the excitement drain from her face..I wasn't even fazed..I started to tell her that Denzel was actually outside parking the car and he would be her date..

In my mind a little voice went, "Dayum!! She's even finer in person. Too bad I ain't her type. NEXT."

We had a pleasant conversation, but I always appreciated knowing where I stood with a woman and the look on homegirl's face said it all..Was it humbling? I guess, but I didn't take it too personally..I'm a grown man and I'd learned a long time ago that rejection happens to everybody..Nobody hits a homerun every at-bat,  so it's not a big deal..

But the funny thing is after I got married, anytime I run into her around town she acts like she's so disapointed that we didn't get together..

[Scorpio]

I'll echo the above posters and state that, when I was dating, I would only date someone I was attracted to. I think that's a given for an overwhelming majority of people.

Now I would like to throw a wrinkle into Mrs. H's original post. Would you date someone that you found physically attractive but NO ONE else did? I.E. you see them as Morris Chestnut/Halle Berry but the majority sees them as Flava Flav (male or female; and yes this is an exaggeration but hopefully you get my point). 

I'll start by saying I have, multiple times, and I didn't have a problem with it.

[cool breeze]

I know this is off topic but, hey Scorpio!!

Thanks for putting your pics online, man..My wife just punched me after clicking your link and she says I can't go to another comic book convention without her..

"Bloody hell..What's with all those half-naked women running around? Where are the nerd girls?" 

Great pics, man..

[devineone]

Would you date someone that you found physically attractive but NO ONE else did? I.E. you see them as Morris Chestnut/Halle Berry but the majority sees them as Flava Flav (male or female; and yes this is an exaggeration but hopefully you get my point). 

I'll start by saying I have, multiple times, and I didn't have a problem with it.

In thinking about this question, I'd have to say again that since physical attraction is very individual then my original answer still stands.  I'd date the person who turned me on in the ways that matter to me regardless of what other people thought about my SO's looks.
 
Another question is: Would you date a hot guy or girl that everyone considered extremely attractive but everyone also knew this person was bad news? 

Women and men date people who are considered universally physically unattractive all of the time.  However the size of their wallet and/or the power they wield counteracts that lack of physical attractiveness.   There are many celebrity examples of this and many examples in everyday life.  We've heard the comedians joke about this all of the time.

[The Shepherd]

"Homely" can be attractive. But, as MsHB said beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

As for the question of if I could get with a woman that I did not think was attractive, the answer is no. I'm still a young enough man (39) where physical attractiveness is still paramount in the selection process. As Starchild stated, there's no way around it. Well, it would be if I were not married, of course.

The problem is that a lot of people do not have a wide range of what they consider attractive. I have a friend who is fixated on dating light-skinned black women. Now, we've discussed this before (I remember a particular discussion with Informed Investor) but that is not a preference, that is a product of socialization. What we find attractive is more a product of socialization, and stereotype, than it is of independent personal preference.

But speaking of homely, it can be quite sexxxxy. Actually, I like to call homely "modest". And, one of the sexist, passionate bedroom demeanor women I've ever dated was "homely", modest. She was overlooked by so many guys, but I saw a sparkle in her eyes. She was attractive, but she was modest, plain, unassuming, churchy. As Prince would sing - she was 'my private joy, such a, such a pretty toy'.

Fellas, don't sleep on 'homely'.

[devineone]

"Homely" can be attractive. But, as MsHB said beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The problem is that a lot of people do not have a wide range of what they consider attractive. I have a friend who is fixated on dating light-skinned black women. Now, we've discussed this before (I remember a particular discussion with Informed Investor) but that is not a preference, that is a product of socialization. What we find attractive is more a product of socialization, and stereotype, than it is of independent personal preference.

But speaking of homely, it can be quite sexxxxy. Actually, I like to call homely "modest". And, one of the sexist, passionate bedroom demeanor women I've ever dated was "homely", modest. She was overlooked by so many guys, but I saw a sparkle in her eyes. She was attractive, but she was modest, plain, unassuming, churchy. As Prince would sing - she was 'my private joy, such a, such a pretty toy'.

Fellas, don't sleep on 'homely'.

LOL Shep,
When you say your “private joy” does that mean no one knew you were dating her?  Was she a secret from the public?”

ITA with your comments about attractiveness is a socialized and stereotypical concept that is heavily influenced by what men and women see on television and in film.  I remember when Dreamgirls, was being promoted.  All I heard was talk about Beyonce, and how this would be her definitive role, that she would be nominated for an Oscar as best actress.  She was the one that was making the rounds to promote the movie along with Jamie Fox.  (I do realize that this makes business sense as they are two big stars and they would be the ones to generate more buzz).  Still it wouldn’t have hurt to have the other leads there promoting extensively as well.   I heard more talk about her before the film released and shortly after its release than I did about any of the other two female leads Anika Noni Rose and Jennifer Hudson. 

Now while I think both Anika and Jennifer are beautiful women, I would hazard a guess that some guys wouldn’t consider them in the same league (as far as physical attractiveness goes), as Beyonce.  Yet Anika is every bit as talented (triple threat) as the media has portrayed Beyonce to be and she is quite accomplished having won a Tony and OBIE award and she is a “studied” actress having acquired a Bachelors in Theater and gone on to study drama at a conservatory.  Yet she is underrated. 

However in the end, even though initially she wasn’t hyped up like Beyonce was in the film.  Jennifer Hudson was the one to snag the Oscar in Dreamgirls for her riveting portrayal of Effie.
 
Maybe because everywhere you look Beyonce, Halle and other women who look similar are everywhere and guys are socialized to hold this narrow definition of beauty as the standard by which other women are measured.  I’ve known guys who would pass over a plain modestly attractive woman who is beautiful inside and out because they are looking for that film/television model look.

Since you mentioned “light skinned”. It is such a shame that so much weight is given so to such a minor physical trait that is simply reflective of a skin tone.  It has absolutely no bearing on the quality of a person.  Mother Nature has a way of playing quirky tricks with that particular physical trait.  One never knows what complexion they may end up having.  My sister is fair and never really dated light skinned guys. There was this one guy who was light skinned and was crazy about her and she wasn’t really interested even though they dated for a time, mainly because of his complexion.  She told my grandmother that she didn’t want her kids to come out looking white. 

She ended up marrying a dark skinned man but he had green eyes.  Still she thought it was safe as he was pretty dark and both of his parents were dark and all of his seven siblings complexion ranged from med dark (as in milk chocolate) to dark chocolate.   However both of her daughters ended up being quite fair and neither have brown eyes.  One has light amber colored eyes and the other has green eyes and neither of her girls resemble her in the least, they both look like their dad.  When she’s out in public, people think the kids are biracial and the girls are asked that question all of the time.
I told my sister that’s what she gets for discriminating.

One of my childhood friends who is biracial (father is white), dated a really dark skinned man who liked her because of her skin complexion. They had a daughter together and all during her pregnancy, the father was gloating about how beautiful he thought his child would be.  His daughter ended up being dark skinned and looks just like him.  This azzhole of a guy had the nerve to think after the baby was born, that it wasn’t his kid!   He was so sure that this baby would look like the mother!

So if skin tone is a consideration that people take when they date someone and if they end up having kids with that person, they may never know how their children may end up looking. 

When I’m dating someone, who they are on the inside and how they treat me and how I feel when I’m with them, has far more of an influence than just what they look like.  Looks in the end are superficial and they all change over time. 

[devineone]

My concepts of beauty are my own, but I can't get with a woman I don't find attractive.  No way around it.

I'm curious what is your concept of beauty SC? 

When I think back over the guys I've dated I've found that they are pretty varied.  I've dated guys of all complexion and size ranging from tall to medium height to maybe an inch taller than me and I'm  just under 5'6" (5'51/2").   I've dated chunky guys to tall slim guys, though I'm more attracted to the "teddy bear build type" of guy.  Dark to fair guys, and I've even dated a white guy once.  I've found that guys are guys as far as race is concerned.

I'm not really drawn to guys shorter than me.  I'm also a mouth and eyes woman.  I love a guy with nice lips and teeth.   Nice lips for me means full and kissable (not bubble though).

Eyes are sexy too, and most guys I've dated have nice eyes and nice eyelashes. Nice eyes for me can be varied, it can be the way a guy looks at me and that makes him have nice eyes because he knows how to use them.  It could also be the shape of his eyes, the way they sit in his head. Regardless eyelashes are sexy to me.   Maybe subconsciously I'm selecting that because I'm drawn to it.  Who knows.  Guys in general have longer eyelashes than women anyway. Scientist say this is left over from evolution (cavemen).  

One constant with me is that most of the guys I've dated (including the long ago fiance), have been musicians.  I like guys with some sort of artristy going on whether it is visual, dramatic, dance or music. 

Now the guy I'm newly dating is not involved in the arts but he used to be a dJ while in college and has a huge collection of old school music!  He's a business guy

The chemistry I had with guys and their personality, intellect and our compatibility was the deciding factor in if a date or two would progress into more.

[philnation]

Now while I think both Anika and Jennifer are beautiful women, I would hazard a guess that some guys wouldn’t consider them in the same league (as far as physical attractiveness goes), as Beyonce.

Count me in that category, since if looks were the only consideration I'd take either one of them over Beyonce in a heartbeat!  In fact, I'm hard-pressed to think of a celebrity I'd go for, if looks were the only consideration, more than Jennifer Hudson.  (And right now, there's no one I feel for more than her and her family after yesterday's sad news.)

[The Shepherd]

In fact, I'm hard-pressed to think of a celebrity I'd go for, if looks were the only consideration, more than Jennifer Hudson. 

Philnation, could it be that your cultural/historical DNA causes you to desire the heavy, dark, large breasted black woman, a possible modern symbol that satiates your craving for 'mammie'?

[The Shepherd]

LOL Shep,
When you say your “private joy” does that mean no one knew you were dating her?  Was she a secret from the public?”

No, it was rather obvious that we we dating in some form, but the extent of our dating was not as obvious.  She was my "Private Joy" because no one knew her as I knew her. She masked an intense, but undiscovered passion, with the actuality of her modest appearance, demeanor, and lifestyle. No one would really have guessed just how enjoyable, fun, and open she was. We almost settled down - but I was wild!!!

By the way, in Dreamgirls 'Lorell' was hot to death! But I'm a sucka for women with those big expressive eyes. Not bug-eyed, but big and expressive like Anika Noni Rose. When she goes to the back of that bus with Jimmy Early she exudes an irresistible sex appeal.

When I’m dating someone, who they are on the inside and how they treat me and how I feel when I’m with them, has far more of an influence than just what they look like.  Looks in the end are superficial and they all change over time.

Well said, that's what it's supposed to be about.

[Scorpio]

I know this is off topic but, hey Scorpio!!

Thanks for putting your pics online, man..My wife just punched me after clicking your link and she says I can't go to another comic book convention without her..

"Bloody hell..What's with all those half-naked women running around? Where are the nerd girls?" 

Great pics, man..

Hehe, thanks for the compliment. By the way, tell your wife that those ARE the nerd girls in the pics. 

Now while I think both Anika and Jennifer are beautiful women, I would hazard a guess that some guys wouldn’t consider them in the same league (as far as physical attractiveness goes), as Beyonce. 

Just had to chime in on this on, briefly. I'd like to state for the record that I think Beyonce is highly overated as far as physical attractiveness goes. If it were based on looks alone, I would easily choose Jennifer Hudson over Beyonce in a heartbeat. Of course, when you consider the total package (loyalty, personality, integrity) then that's where things change (and IMHO where J-Hud would get axed pretty quickly).

[devineone]

Scorpio, could you please elaborate on what you mean regarding Jennifer Hudson's loyality, personality and integrity?  What do you know that you aren't saying?  Granted this isn't a good time to get into all of that with the tragedy that struck her family.  Still I'm curious since you've made this statement.  I haven't heard anything, but I don't follow her closely.