Insecurity

[Starchild]

A few nights ago, I was out at a night spot with a date.   I was standing at the bar, waiting for my drink and my date was standing next to me.  There was a tap on my shoulder and I turned around and saw some dude I didn't know.  Thinking he wanted to get to the bar, I moved over a bit and went back to my business.  He tapped me again.  When I turned around, he said, "Thank you" and held out his hand. 

I shook his hand and asked, "Thanks for what?"

"If it wasn't for you," he replied, "I never would have met this beautiful girl."  I looked where he was gesturing and saw my ex (we broke up almost 2 years ago).  She looked immensely embarrassed and like she just wanted to get the hell out of there.

That place was crowded as hell, which means, dude dug his way through the crowd at the bar, just to do that corny sh*t.  And then they disappeared.  If they'd stuck around, I would've bought a round of drinks. 

Now, I broke up with that girl almost 2 years ago because I realized she wasn't the right one for me.  This was on the verge of an engagement.  There was no drama, or cheating, or anything like that, but the break up was very sudden and unexpected to her.  I didn't do anything "bad" other than break up with her.  A straightforward, honest, clean break.  I haven't seen or spoken to her since.

To me, dude's corny ass move was just screaming insecurity.  Obviously, he's heard a lot about me , but I can't figure out WHY would he do something like that?   If I was with a girl and she saw her significant ex, I'd either just take her somewhere else, or stay and try to have the best time of my life.  I wouldn't do something stupid like that.

So:

1.  Why would a dude do something like that?  Is it insecurity?  Is it just cornballness?

2.  It doesn't seem in her personality, but do you think she sent him over to do that?  Or did he do it on his own.  I imagined that if I ran into her, she'd be very cool towards me, and tell mer that her life is GREAT now.  She wouldn't be able to just interact normally.  But this???

3.  Ladies--if your man did something like this, how would you feel?  Would it make you feel better?  Does it make you feel like he's looking out for you or has your back or something?  It would just embarrass the $&^% outta me.

4.  How much do you tell a new love about your old loves?  I know some exes affect us more than others, but it seemed to me that dude must've heard a lot about me (of questionable veracity), and that doesn't seem like such a good thing for either of them.

[Ndgo]

1.  Why would a dude do something like that?  Is it insecurity?  Is it just cornballness?

It really wasn't for your benefit at all. It was ALL DONE for her. Sorry, but he probably doesn't give a rat's behind what you think. He wants to be end-all and be-all for her. It was a show of his willingness to go above and beyond. It was also to tell her that he's going to do right by her... UNLIKE you... lol... sorry...

2.  It doesn't seem in her personality, but do you think she sent him over to do that? 

Nope... she probably just mentioned in passing that you were there... Never thinking that the guy would approach you directly. Personally, I like his forthrightness, He staked out his area... doesn't matter that you vacated it years ago... the point is... He's THE man now.

3.  Ladies--if your man did something like this, how would you feel? 

It would really depend on which guy and what my relationship was with him... It would be kinda stupid if I had no serious intentions with the guy... then, I'd just think he was a fool... just like the guy that I left.

4.  How much do you tell a new love about your old loves?

Name, rank and serial number... no personal details

[cool breeze]

As a man, you never thank the "ex" in public..His loss, your gain--it's that simple..

You should, however,  tell your lady that you're grateful for her ex-boyfriend's bad judgement, stupidy, etc. in letting such a wonderful lady get away from him, but you never tell that cat anything..

[Starchild]

But Ndgo, that still doesn't explain it.  If you want to let her know that you're ready to be her everything or whatever, then go do that.  Take her somewhere nice and tell her how happy you are that old boy (me) didn't know what he was missing.  Why involve me in it at all?   

He didn't have to stake anything out, I don't want her.  I left her for a reason, and I don't even talk to her anymore.   I hadn't even seen them, and wouldn't have if he hadn't come up to me.  And I  was there with another girl.

I didn't get fired from that job, I quit.  Why stake out something that doesn't need staking?  How am I a threat to you when I'm minding my business, chilling with my girl?  That's why it's so strange to me.  I could even understand it if I had given him a look, or said something or something like that.  But I didn't even know they were there.   

[devineone]

First off SC, I think you perhaps ought to check your ego a bit here. 

You are being awfully quick to make negative snap character judgments against this man based on so little evidence.  You automatically assume that this guy is threatened by you and is insecure and corny based on this one incident.  I’m sure this dude did tell his woman in private how lucky he is to have her and all of that.   But perhaps he was also incensed on her behalf by what you had done to her. 

You said you dumped her out of the blue and it was unexpected and sudden. Did you offer any real explanation as to why you were breaking up with her?  I’m sure that traumatic experience, the abrupt ending of her relationship with you, especially on the verge of an engagement, left her hurt, bewildered and her self-esteem was probably hit hard. 

She probably either shared this with him, or she brought this hurt into her new relationship.  He wanted to be her Knight in Shining Armor and face the “dragon” (You) in front of her.  He wanted to show you that you didn’t break this woman and just because you “quit that job”, He not only hired "said job" he is elevating her to a position that you couldn’t fathom with her.  He did this for her benefit. 

Now some guys would only do step one, as CB stated and that would be that.  I'm sure this dude not only did step one in private with her, as you said he should have done, but he also felt that he needed to go a step further for her sake.  It had nothing to do with him feeling threatened by you or him feeling insecure.  How could he, since he doesn’t even know you nor has he interacted with you.  He was probably there and saw the fall out effect of how she was after your relationship ended, he was probably the one who picked up the pieces.  At that moment, he wasn't just her man, he was sort of acting as her therapist and helping her reclaim some of the self-esteem she had probably lost in what she went through with you.

It’s no different than if a family member confronted someone who had hurt the person they loved long after the fact even if that loved one doesn’t want them to say anything.  They do it out of their love for that family member.  You hurt someone they love, you hurt them too.

My brothers would in a minute front a certain ex boyfriend of mine if they chanced to meet up with him.  Not that I gabbed about him, but they saw the effect our breakup had on me and they hurt because I hurt.

This reminds me in a way, of that scene in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts character walks back into the same high end store to face the snobby saleswomen who wouldn’t wait on her and practically chased her out of their store the previous day.  The next day in she walks dressed to the 9’s and loaded down with shopping bags.  She faced them and told them “Big mistake not waiting on me”.  She was telling those ladies "look at me now".  He was telling you, "Look at her now with me...My woman." 
It’s one thing for a guy to tell his woman in private how much he loves and treasures her, but it’s another thing entirely for him to declare to the world how much he treasures and cares for her.  And if he chances to meet the man who hurt her, then he gets to play Knight in Shining Armor if he is so inclined, by letting her know that HE not you is the better man for her now.  This is probably something he’s wanted to do on her behalf for a long time and he finally got the chance to do it.

A similar incident happened to me, but in the reverse.  Some time ago, an ex-boyfriend of mine introduced himself to a guy I was dating.  He just came up after a gig (I wasn’t there) and introduced himself to my new guy (who was a pianist), and told him that he used to date me. My then new guy told me about it later and thought the whole thing was weird.  I guess in my situation, my ex wasn’t over me because he started calling me leaving messages about how he “ran into my new guy” and he started asking me out to dinner “as friends”.  He just wanted to see if he could get me back just to massage his ego. 

All the best in your dating life and hopefully, when you are in the "right place in all the areas that count in your life", you'll meet the woman who is right for you.

[Ndgo]

Yeah, devineone... you fleshed out all the pertinent parts. SC... nothing personal - I know it sometimes makes us feel better to assume that we're the center of the universe but it this particular case, it really wasn't about you at all. It was ALL about her and this guy being her knight in shining armour... slaying past hurts and putting them to rest.

And I must admit, your explanation of the dismissal of the old girl friend --- who was almost your fiance sounded very cold-hearted, totally devoid of any emotion , impersonal and well, frankly it sounded very harsh and abrupt.  And this was a person that you had on a possible marriage track. You two obviously shared intimacies and she folded herself into you. Can you not see the state you may have left her in... You say you had NO contact with her, at all after YOUR decision to leave her alone... I'm telling you... that's rough... You have no idea what she has gone through... you were gone and never looked back to see the damage you may have caused.

There is not one person that I've ever had the heart to brush off like that and treat them like a total stranger... like they never existed or matter to me. I STILL keep up with all the ex-husbands and most of the ex-fiancees too. I can honestly say that I've always tried to leave people in a better position for having encountered me. I'm not a slash and burn dater.... Now I DO, on occassion outright dismiss people, and it's easy to do because I never let them get close enough to have been truly hurt. I'm just not into casual dating because of all the collateral damage that can unknowingly be done to another person's heart.

Anyway.... not trying to be judgemental... I'm just saying that you need to step back for a second and take the spotlight off of you for a moment... and look at her... for once... Maybe that will help give you a better understanding of where this guy was coming from. Men instinctively want to protect what they claim to be their own.... What you were witnessing was pure chivalry....

[Starchild]

But why?  The question goes unanswered.  If it's not about me, then why involve me?  And I didn't "do" anything to her.  I broke up with her.  What's there to be incensed about?  Am I guilty for not wanting to marry her?  Was I bad because I wanted to go in a different direction?  How is this at all like your Pretty Woman scene? In that scene, the salespeople were rude and crass to her and wouldn't wait on her because they presumed things about her.  Their behavior was bad.  I didn't do anything bad.  In fact, I think it's better to break up with someone that you know you're not in love with rather than string them along.  It lets all parties find someone that they're compatible with.

I wasn't mean or cruel about it.  I spent all night one night crying and talking with her about it.  Is it really necessary to confront someone because they broke a relationship off with you?  I didn't have contact with her because it seemed better to make it a clean break.  I told her that anytime she wanted to talk, we could talk.  She called me once at 3 am (and I didn't answer), the next day she called back to say I had promised I'd talk to her anytime and I'd gone back on my word and she hated me for it.   Then she hung up.  That's the last we spoke. 

And if it was really supposed to be a "confrontation" to reclaim her honor or whatever bs you're styling it as, why not stick around and talk?  Why the hit-and-run, snide comment? 

Again, if he wants to let her know that he's the man for her now, what does that have to do with me?   I didn't try to holler at her.  I'm glad she's happy, so why the pass.   I still think it's corny as hell.  And DO, best luck to you in your dating life as well, and I'm sure someday your prince will come.

[Keba]

3.  Ladies--if your man did something like this, how would you feel?  Would it make you feel better?  Does it make you feel like he's looking out for you or has your back or something?  It would just embarrass the $&^% outta me.

I agree with Ndgo and Devineone, Starchild.  It sounds very cold-hearted the way you cut your Ex off.  I'd be very hurt that the man who professed to love me and wanted to marry me abruptly ended our relationship.  I would have gloated (or not really cared) about the fact that my now significant other congratulated my Ex for letting me go, especially if my significant other is the man of my dreams.  I'd never wish my Ex any harm but I would get a tinge of satisfaction thinking that my Ex got a chance to think of what he let go of.  I'd definitely see this as one of those times when things always have a way of coming around full circle and this time, 'the cards' are in my favor. 

[Ndgo]

But why?  The question goes unanswered.  If it's not about me, then why involve me? 

His words to you were meant for her. I know this may be hard for you to understand... but.. in this case, you were little more than a pawn or common garden tool ... a way for him to show "HER" not you, that he empathizes with her and he's going to do right by her.

There isn't a answer that includes you SC, your feelings or what you think and that may have you a little confused. You were just a handy tool the guy picked up on the spur of the moment... Nothing more, nothing less. Don't try to read too much into it and it'll become easier to understand. 

And I want to make sure you know that my comments weren't meant as a personal dig towards you SC... Shoot, it's late, it's a Monday and I'm getting tired... But you got a small dose of just desserts... that's all.. Take it like a man! Just like you said -- it was just a hit-and-run, snide comment made to butter up his date and make her feel good and him look good. THE END.

[Ndgo]

I would have gloated (or not really cared) about the fact that my now significant other congratulated my Ex for letting me go, especially if my significant other is the man of my dreams.  I'd never wish my Ex any harm but I would get a tinge of satisfaction thinking that my Ex got a chance to think of what he let go of. 

There YA go... a quick ego boost at the ex's expense... That's a quick and easy way to explain it in real life terms. It might have been just what the girl needed.

[Starchild]

I'd never wish my Ex any harm but I would get a tinge of satisfaction thinking that my Ex got a chance to think of what he let go of.  I'd definitely see this as one of those times when things always have a way of coming around full circle and this time, 'the cards' are in my favor. 

I had my arm around another woman when dude rolled up on me.  And my ex wasn't even close enough to hear what was said.  They both disappeared in the blink of an eye, I barely even saw her they took off so quick....this still makes no sense to me.   And I agree that it was about dude and what he wanted to show to her.  But being a man, I cannot imagine a scenario in which I'd do something like that.  Which is what leaves me wondering.  Which now makes me wonder why I'm asking women to opine on a man's intentions.

[devineone]

Starchild
You keep asking why.  As long as you keep putting “You” out front and center you won’t get it.  It isn’t about you.  I think I explained it pretty well and we all know you’re quite intelligent being a lawyer and all so why is it that you’re not getting it?   Is it because you don’t like the answers you’re getting?  You can continue to ask why but you’ve already been given the answer.  Now it’s up to you to either take it in and learn from it, or continue to hold onto the attitude that you are holding onto.  You’re totally missing the answer because you ‘refuse” to see it.  Just because it’s something you wouldn’t do, you can’t judge everyone according to what you would and wouldn’t do.  Here again, you’re basing everything on your actions as if you, SC set the bar for how this other man ought to have behaved in this situation.

Now it seems you’re resorting to arguing for argument sake and you’re nitpicking until someone eventually says something that you can go along with.  I’ve said all I have to say about this topic.  There is a lesson there, but you have to be open to see it.  If you don’t want to then that’s on you man.  You asked the ladies for their thoughts, they were given to you, now you’re wanting to pick apart their thoughts, get defensive rather than pause and just take in the lesson that’s there for you. 

Why not just say you didn't like that the dude rolled up on you like that and you were outraged,  instead of trying to malign his character and make him appear less of a man because he did something that you wouldn't fathom doing.  You don't have to try to denigrate him just because you are mad at his actions.  You didn't like it, that's it and call it a day.  You don't have to look for ways to make him look bad and make yourself look whatever it is you're trying to look like.
 
You remind me of something my music teacher said to me.  He laid something heavy shyt on me one day and I was steady arguing with him.  He finally told me the more you argue, the less likely you’ll get it, you need to go on and marinate on what I told you, let it seep in.  You’re not taking in what I told you because your pride is in the way, your ego is bruised.  (He was critiquing me on how I played a particular piece).  And he was right, my ego and pride were sitting up arguing with him and that was blocking the lesson.  This seems to be what you’re doing.   In the end, you’ll think what you want to think regardless of the thoughts that were shared with you.

And just because we’re women (as you are now seeming to be dismissive of the thoughts shared because it seems it wasn’t what you wanted to hear or it didn’t make sense “to you), doesn’t mean we live in a vacuum and can’t relate to men.  We are man's sister, mother, aunt, cousin, wife and we’ve dated guys, we’ve interacted, we’ve had conversations.  We aren’t women who live on some island and have no earthly idea about things that would motivate a guy.  You asked us and as women we told you what we thought from our perspective.  I have 4 brothers ranging in age from 24 to 32 so don’t think I grew up not knowing about guys and what they think, say and do.

Anyway thanks for the best wishes in dating.  I’m currently dating a really nice man who I met through mutual friends so far good.   But I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

[philnation]

What the guy did makes no sense to me.  I see no benefit at all to doing that to an ex of a lady I'm dating, and if a guy dating an ex of mine came up to me and did that, I'd be too puzzled by it to feel anything from it.

But hey, some people derive value from the strangest things.  More power to 'em.

SC, no need to psychoanalyze the incident or the guy.  Some things in life don't "make sense", and this is probably one of them.  The contradictions in the responses to the original post should further prove that.

[Legacy]

Why in the hell would a dude do that?

a> Cornball who did it himself (doesn't matter if it was becuz your ex has talked about you too much or just happened to see you there. Shyt is mad corny.)

b> Bitter-ex put him up to it cause she still cares too much..

LOL @ folx saying ST thinks he's the center of her universe. Well, I don't think he cared much about her or her universe but let's be real here. Did he walk up to her current BF or did her current BF walk up to him? I'm just sayin..

Shit ain't rocket science fam & it doesn't require a dissertation. The fact that they left IMMEDIATELY kills this romantic mumbo jumbo about him staking out his territory. In fact, it's show that one or both were embarrassed or cowards. Both are wack..

Also, they really need to back up off you for making a decision not to marry the girl or how you broke it off. Marriage is an OPTION, not an inevitability. You did the right thing if that's not what you wanted. If you had married her & then left or cheated, they'd be dogging you for that too. 

There is no easy way to break up w/ ppl esp if you're that far in. Mofos act like there was a way to tell her that would have had her walking off in total bliss..

[Bambi eyes]

Why?  I think he may have had one too many and was feeling a little cocky and may have even wanted to get a rise out of you and pick a fight.

What do I think of people who do this kind of thing?  I think people, expecially the new comers need to stay out of whatever went on in the previous relationship.  This is how enemies are created.  This is how people get killed, over stupid petty things like this.  This could have easily turned real nasty had Starchild also had one two many drinks, been sensitive to the issues he had with his Ex, and been armed.  People really need to think before they go walking up on someone talking shyt, because things can go volitile very quickly.  Had it been me (as the ex-girlfriend)  I probably would not have even bothered to point out that my Ex was there and would have just casually said let's hit another place this one's too crowded, because no matter how "on good terms" things end, there is always a bit of residue left over from the loves of your past and when a third party comes on the scene trying to exploit that and stir things up, anythings liable to happen .  I'm glad he (the guy) walked away instead of waiting for a reaction, but a little dissapointed that after the fact Starchild let it take up even a small portion of brain space and thought, because chances are that's exactly what the guy and Starchild's Ex wanted...for Starchild to be affected by the encounter. 

Imagine this scene... Dude walks up to Starchild says what he has to say and Starchild immediately gets up walks over to his Ex, grabs her and starts tonguing her down right there for all to see and then worse... she starts reciprocating... then how stupid would Mr. New Guy have felt, and what would have happened next?  People need to check their egos and just let sleeping dogs lie, the world would be a much happier place...Starchild didn't need to ever cross paths with New Guy... totally unnecessary.

Examining this from another angle... New guy may have been trying to destroy Starchilds nice evening since he had to have seen him standing there with another woman, enjoying himself and the encounter was so brief that it may as well not have even happened. 

If this had happened to me as a woman, I would not have appreciated a heffa coming up on me getting in me and my ex's business and even beginning to comment on it to ME... but that's me... "don't start none, won't be none."