Who REALLY Does the Choosing?

[MsHeartBeat]

A group of us were together and one of the guys explained that he never goes after what he wants.  Like if he sees a woman that he thinks is attractive and would like to talk to her, he won't do it.  But when women approach him and talk, he talks to them and they kinda grow on him, and then next thing he knows, he is in a relationship.

I told him that is probably why the women he dates aren't real happy with how much time and energy he puts into the relationship, because he was never into them in the first place.  He says that is just how he is, even though he cares a lot more than he lets on.

So then we got to debating the issue of who really does the choosing.  He felt that men choose who they want and then approach.  I told him that is true, but a woman is the ultimate decider of what happens, if anything. And that if a woman doesn't choose a man even after he approaches her, it doesn't matter what he wanted.  It won't matter what he has, how he looks, what he says, or anything else!  She has her own list of what she wants and his desire for her is of little to no importance.  And ultimately, women choose their men.  But I admitted it works best when the interest is mutual, though someone has to be the first to make the initial contact.

My question is for men and women here... who do you think does the choosing and why?  And does it matter if the woman approaches the guy?  If a guy isn't interested at all, wouldn't he just find a polite way to extricate himself from the situation?

[cool breeze]

Men approach and women do the choosing..Now men do decide who they want to approach,  so it's not like the man doesn't have any power..I tell dudes all the time that while the woman gets to decide if she want to accept your overtures or not, by watching a woman's body language you can spot the women that may be receptive to you or not..If she looks like she wants to chew through some barbed wire, now may not be the best time to approach..But you know what? It may also be the best time to approach her as well, so go for it..Trust your gut and follow your instincts..

One of Nita's co-workers, Shawna is a good looking young lady but men don't approach her..When she goes out with her friends, she has to roll up on the guys, while her friends get mad attention from men..She's frustrated because she says that she was taught that men should approach women and that women should approach men rarely if ever..

She's starting to wonder if it's worth all the trouble, especially when the "Plus size Diva" Verna is out with them..Verna loves to point out to everybody that Shawna is wayy better looking than she is, but Shawna ain't got no man..Verna gets hit on all the time by men, while Shawna wil be sitting there all night and no one will ask her to dance if she doesn't roll over to some dude and ask him..I've seen it happen in person and let me tell you, it makes no sense..

I told Shawna to tell Verna to chug some Slim Fast when she starts talking that shyt about her not having a man, because no real man wants a woman that weighs more than Shaquille O'Neal..No smart man anyway..300 pounds? You're a woman and you weigh as much as Shaq? Are you kidding me? Hell, Shaq is too heavy to be honest with you..But anyway..

I've told her the men here may be intimidated by her and because they don't wanna get rejected, they don't approach..My friend Doug disagrees with me and says it's the "Cali Syndrome"..Men in Cali have so many women to choose from that they've gotten lazy and expect the women to approach them..He says that the most aggressive women aren't in NYC or even on the east coast but in Cali..He says that if a woman in Cali ain't at the top of her game she will have no man even if she's fine as hell, so women in Cali have to be willing to "go get it" in his words..

I told him that these Wal-Mart suit wearing mofos that I've seen can't think that they're in LA, San Fran or San Diego..Keep on thinking that because there's mad competiton for men in LA that your country bama azz can expect a fine woman to roll up on you in Coulmbia, SC..You will be one lonely cat, but hey, Shawna is fine and she has to roll up on these mofos so maybe my boy is right..I'm married and I ain't out there and he is, so he might have all the info on how the single scene is now..

Shawna tells me that she's tired of having to do all the work--epsepcially what she considers a man's job..Her last two boyfriends, both losers--she had to get the ball rolling and go over and approach them..Now, that one mofo--damn, she should have known his azz was a loser..A grown man wearing Lebron's jersey to a wedding? Shyyttt..She was asking for trouble..

But I keep forgetting that we're in South Carolina and you can be country bama and wear a basketball jersey to wedding if you want to.. I sometimes wonder if it's safe to raise kids here..

[devineone]

A group of us were together and one of the guys explained that he never goes after what he wants.  Like if he sees a woman that he thinks is attractive and would like to talk to her, he won't do it.  But when women approach him and talk, he talks to them and they kinda grow on him, and then next thing he knows, he is in a relationship.
I told him that is probably why the women he dates aren't real happy with how much time and energy he puts into the relationship, because he was never into them in the first place.  He says that is just how he is, even though he cares a lot more than he lets on.

I've had my experience with the "EMF's".  The emotionally detached flatliners'.  They can be a doozy to deal with.  They'll suck all the emotion you have out of you and drain you dry meanwhile they hardly share any of their emotion they can hardly be bothered to stir themselves to invest in their SO in a meaningul way.  Uuh, I don't like men like this.

My question is for men and women here... who do you think does the choosing and why?  And does it matter if the woman approaches the guy?  If a guy isn't interested at all, wouldn't he just find a polite way to extricate himself from the situation?

In my experience when I've approached a guy in the past and we eventually started dating, I was the one who put the most energy into the relationship before I got tired and it eventually waned.  I've found that when the guy approached me, he seemed more interested and put more energy into it.  On occasion there have been exceptions where I've approached and the guy took up the ball and showed initiative and interest.  I think it does work best when it is mutual.

Guys tend to be really shy when it comes to approaching women these days.  They seem to care more for protecting their egos (and yes I think men have much more fragile egos than women which is why they fear rejection so much).  I've had guys eye me up, smile and give all sorts of non verbal cues that they are interested.  They've done everything but just approach and say "Hi".  Sometimes I take this flirtation as them being interested in me in a purely sexual way and ignore them, but sometimes I'll smile back but not approach them.  I feel if a guy was interested in me straight up approach especially when I smile back.

I agree that men choose who they want to approach and the woman decides if she accepts his approach.  However even if a woman initially accepts after the guy has approached, this doesn't mean that she is giving the guy the green light into her life or into her undies.  He is on trial after that initial approach and one false move and that yes, can easily turn into a no. 

In my experience, I've had guys who approach me, and I've accepted their approach, they buy me a drink, or I let them join me at the bar, or accepted a dance with them, or whatever I'm doing when I'm out on depending on the social setting and these guys latch on and hang on all night.  They try to move too fast!  It's as if they're thinking they only get this one chance, so they want to do everything in one night! They aren't interested in anything other than one thing, they are on a conquest.  I don't like when guys act this way and I have to check them.  Then they want to pout like a little boy and say I'm acting like a beeyatch and where is my appreciation because they spent their money their time or whatever with me.