Where there is smoke there is fire
I think this is about signs and the ability to decipher a potential message. How can we bash a woman for ignoring the lack of communication, affection and willingness to compromise of the player or thug but we praise this woman for sticking with a man who shows similar traits?
II based on what SweetT posted, I don’t see those red flags. When I read her email I didn’t get that she was being abused along the same scale as Tina Turner nor did I get that she was involved with someone along the same scale as a thug or player who displayed an unwillingness to compromise or show affection. At least what she’s written so far hasn’t indicated that. Now if she comes back and provides more detailed information about how she and her fiancé communicate and get along in general and how she feels about that then that would give a better indication. I don’t think this should be blown up to be bigger than what it really is. It’s one thing to be cautious, it’s another to make mountains out of mole hills and then act accordingly. I also don’t think any of the women who have responded ‘praised’ this woman for being with this man. But let’s break down what Sweetthing posted.
My fiancé and I have dated 10 years this month, last June 2008 I was given an engagement ring and he of course proposed.
Notice SweetT said they ‘dated’ not that they were married so how can you compare her situation to Tina Turner who was married to Ike Turner? This woman wasn’t bound to this man in the same way and thus it was easier for her to ‘stop’ dating him if she wasn’t happy with him. I guess she must have been happy with him because she continued to date him for 10 years and not only that, she accepted a ring from him once he proposed. She didn’t indicate in her post that this man was abusive to her.
My original date was Feb 2009 but illness of family member caused me to cancel.
SweetT cancelled the wedding plans not her fiancé’. Granted it seems she had a legitimate reason for doing this, (family member illness) but her reasons for cancelling had nothing to do with her personal unhappiness with her fiancé. She also didn’t mention that her fiancé had a problem with setting the first wedding date Feb. 2009. How did he behave when they were planning their wedding leading up to this Feb. 2009 date? (She didn’t say). If his current behavior with planning a new wedding date is different than it was before, then I can see her being upset, but she didn’t indicate anything one way or the other in this regard in her post.
Now, I can't get my fiancé to work with me in setting a date, he has never been a conversationalists big talker.
Here she acknowledges that she is aware of her fiancé’s communication style which is nothing new to her after 10 years. I’m not sure what she means about "getting her fiancé to work with her to set a date”. How much work does that take? Can she set a date and ask him if that date works and if not set another date? It’s as simple as, “Honey I set August 29th as our wedding date, does this work?” He can either say yes or no. Is he balking whenever she gives him a date? Again not enough information and it’s fairly vague here because she hasn’t given specifics as to what she’s done with setting a date or his responses to what she’s done.
He agrees to everything I say as far as we need to start planning, we need to do this or that, he only says you're right sweetheart, but never offers any input.
She says he agrees to everything and even says ‘you’re right sweetheart’. If he is agreeable, then what is the problem? Maybe SweetT can clarify and be specific as to what type of “input” she wants from him with the wedding plans aside from setting the date. Men aren’t mind readers especially when it comes to stuff like this, so specifics on her part may help here. He’s not fighting with her, he’s not telling her he doesn’t want to get married, he’s being passive in his communication but that’s his nature and she is aware of that having been with him for 10 years. So she has to take steps to work with his communication style and ways to get what she wants if she wants to continue to share her life with him.
A friend of mine used to get so mad at her hubby saying he didn’t ‘help out around the house enough’. She would pout and sulk and he’d be scratching his head at her. (Now these two were crazy about each other). She was telling me about it and I asked her, ‘What exactly do you want him to do to help you out around the house?" Did you ask him this?” She said, she shouldn’t have to tell him, he lives there just like she does and he sees things that need to be done just like she does’. Now my having grown up with 4 brothers, I realize that men just don’t see things like women do and women's tolerance for stuff around the house is different from men. For men in some instances, you have to tell them specifically what it is you want them to do. (Now if you tell them and they don’t do it, then you have a problem). (And tell them nicely).
have gotten so frustrated I told him we might as well call off if he is not going to help/participate.
She wants to call off the wedding. To me this seems as though she is overwhelmed and frustrated by all that needs to be done and the bulk of what needs doing is falling on her to do it. Nowhere in her post did she say she is unhappy with her fiancé, that he is abusive to her or any of that. Simply getting the help she needs to plan her wedding will solve this problem and that help doesn't 'have' to come from her fiance' that's what wedding planners are for.
The only thing this man says is, if the wedding is called off you will do it, I am not going to. He stays he still loves me and wants to marry me but as far as anything else, it is like my man can’t communicate or won't.
I don’t blame the man for leaving it up to her to cancel the wedding. This would make the second time they have cancelled their wedding. (though understandably the first time). He has said the he loves her and he still wants to marry her so he doesn’t want to call it off.
This doesn’t sound like a man overwhelmingly in love about to commit to his lifelong partner to me. This sounds like if we get married cool but if we don’t phuck it.
This doesn’t seem to be about communication and love or lack thereof between them in general. This seems to be specifically about SweetT’s disgruntlement over her fiancé’s lack of input in planning the wedding, something that is easily remedied. She is the one who is wanting to cancel the wedding not him so how can you say this is about his seemingly lackadaisical attitude about their relationship in general? I do get what you're saying that some things can be a symptom of a bigger serious issue, but in this instance, there is just not enough information to conclude that.
I have given him until the end of the summer to talk to me about our wedding, plan it, set it or call it off. Was this wrong?
I do understand how she feels and maybe his seeming apathy towards actively planning their wedding can indicate that he doesn’t want to get married but she has already said that “he told her that he still loves her and still wants to marry her” so no worries there. SweetT needs to ask herself specifically what does she want this man to talk to her about with their wedding plans, besides the date and what specific tasks does she want him to do with the wedding? Maybe she can accept that the bulk of the wedding plans will fall to her to do and she can consult with him on the plans she makes. Barring that, just get a wedding planner and call it a day.
Knowing her fiancé’s personality and communication style, maybe she shouldn’t feel as though he is rejecting her because he’s not getting all in a tizzy about the wedding plans. Some men are just like that when it comes to things like planning weddings. (But they can plan the heck out of a super bowl party.)
I’m pretty sure if many women waited for their fiancé’s input to play an active role in planning their wedding the way 'they' would like, they wouldn’t have made it to the alter.
