Obesity in African Americans and Dating

[Legacy]

Sniff all you like Legacy, no BS, I'm just telling you about how I am.  This issue hasn't come up in my dating experience.  I'm not out on a date thinking about male or female equality at all.  I'm just enjoying his company and he mine, when the bill comes I do reach for my wallet because I don't assume he'll pay for anything and the guy has always paid.
I will say though if a guy asks me out for the first time and the meal comes and he wants to go dutch, that would give me pause to think about where this guy is coming from.

Of course it makes you think because he's telling you up front you're gonna be responsible for your share. Not a comfortable realization for a lot of women who ain't trying to sign up for that. And of course you're not thinking about female/male equality on a date. A lot of women are apt to think about female privilege at that point.-  LOL

Ask yourself this question. If a man simply asks you to pay for YOUR food & you claim you have no issue with paying & if you further claim you truly believe in male/female equality... UH, WHAT IS THERE TO THINK ABOUT?

Oh, I get it. He can't expect that you're gonna pay your half. You have to decide if & when you feel comfortable with being equal?

Y'all XX's kill me! - LOL

[devineone]

Sniff all you like Legacy, no BS, I'm just telling you about how I am.  This issue hasn't come up in my dating experience.  I'm not out on a date thinking about male or female equality at all.  I'm just enjoying his company and he mine, when the bill comes I do reach for my wallet because I don't assume he'll pay for anything and the guy has always paid.
I will say though if a guy asks me out for the first time and the meal comes and he wants to go dutch, that would give me pause to think about where this guy is coming from.

Of course it makes you think because he's telling you up front you're gonna be responsible for your share. Not a comfortable realization for a lot of women who ain't trying to sign up for that. And of course you're not thinking about female/male equality on a date. A lot of women are apt to think about female privilege at that point.-  LOL

Ask yourself this question. If a man simply asks you to pay for YOUR food & you claim you have no issue with paying & if you further claim you truly believe in male/female equality... UH, WHAT IS THERE TO THINK ABOUT?

Oh, I get it. He can't expect that you're gonna pay your half. You have to decide if & when you feel comfortable with being equal?

Y'all XX's kill me! - LOL

Well I like you Legacy, I'm not going to get into a debate with you on who pays for what on a date and when.  That's not been something that has ever been an issue in my dating experience so why debate a nonissue for me on a message board?   That's wasting useless energy. 

[devineone]

How the heck did we get on who pays for what on a date on this topic thread on obesity.
Heck instead of dinner dates, involving eating, how about discussing other fun dates we can do that involve activities that burn calories?

[Bambi eyes]

If you don't care who pays on a date then why be opposed to paying for your dinner & let him pay for his while determining if you want to continue to see each other? No harm no foul right? No unwarranted expectations right? You don't owe him anything & he doesn't owe you anything right?

The problem I have with that is it’s not supportive of the building of a friendly relationship, not to mention the sheer unmannerliness of it.  Who does that but someone who is afraid to trust, afraid to give too much, afraid to open themselves up to greater things.  I mean I can’t think of any relationship out there where you are trying to establish trust and fellowship that you would even think of doing such a thing.  I mean even in business when one CEO takes another CEO out for lunch to talk things over and see how they can further work together do they ever at the end of the meal split the bill down the middle and tell each other they each have to pay for their own meal. I tell you right now, that deal will NEVER be made.  That’s not friendship building… it’s divisive and reeks of insecurity and extreme pettiness. Half the deals made in corporate America would never come to fruition if this type of idea was carried out where until we get to know each other better, you will pay for your lunch and I will pay for mine separately.  It’s just not the way things are done…in business or in pleasure… it’s just so darn petty.  Ewwww, I wouldn’t be able to sit across the table from a guy who had this on his mind the whole meal… who’s gonna pay, I wonder if she’ll mind if I ask her to pay for her’s and I pay for mine.  I’d be too through.  The way my guy and I did it in the beginning is I’d offer to pay on occasion and sometimes he’d let me sometimes he’d decline and would absolutely not hear of it.  When I paid, he always seemed to feel a little uncomfortable with having me do that, but to make me happy he’d oblige… but it was never an issue of  well you have to pay cause until I know you better and feel safe that this is going to continue, we’ll take separate checks… Noooo… I’d definitely have to look a little more closely at him if he pulled one of those numbers… it reeks of cheapicity (if that’s a word) LOL.

Well, that's because it's not as simple as a math equation in real life.

It's a hypothetical question that is very easy to answer if you try.  

The level or quality of inner beauty is not the question.  The question is if faced with the dilemma of choosing what's inside of a person vs. what's on the outside when neither choice would leave you missing out on anything major, which would you choose?  

For me, if I had to choose, I'd rather have a man with qualities that overwhelmingly demonstrate a good heart and soul over a man with a perfectly chiseled outer appearance.  I could do without an outside 10 and would choose to do without an outside 10 if it meant that in exchange for that I am getting someone with a heart of gold, who cares about people, strives to do whatever he can for others, and puts his own selfish wants and needs on the bottom of the list.  It wouldn't be a toss up for me, I'd want what feels good to my soul over what looks good to my eyes anyday.

Devineone... exactly... you see what I'm saying... and your example of Forrest Whittaker is right on point... maybe it's me, maybe guys just don't look at woman in that way.  Strange.

Looks can and do fade, but what is ingrained within someones character will last forever.

[Legacy]

Well I like you Legacy, I'm not going to get into a debate with you on who pays for what on a date and when.  That's not been something that has ever been an issue in my dating experience so why debate a nonissue for me on a message board?   That's wasting useless energy. 

Uhm, ok... but that was a cop out.  And you know I see it.. just sayin...

you trying to play me like this..

http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r115/UnoBetter2/Gifs/VanDammeCantSee-1.gif

but I peeped game I like this..

http://i25.tinypic.com/256u3wi.gif

& was out like this...

http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/1632/aneweg9.gif

[Legacy]

Bambi...

You have a right to choose whomever you like as do others. You don't know what makes people tick & why the choose who they choose. Women kill me trying to lecture men on being superficial. Woman get with men for superficial reasons all the time. How do you think the term "Sugar Daddy" got invented? What because women are the torch bearers of depth, integrity & values? - LOL

Women really need to stop trying to change men, I mean really.

This mostly comes down to looks & size. Women be on some, "date my friend she's beautiful on the inside, she's had a great personality" shyt..

FOH! - Chick be hit w/ 2 ugly sticks & wider than a ditch. - LOL!

The bottom line is people like what they like, period.

[devineone]

Well I like you Legacy, I'm not going to get into a debate with you on who pays for what on a date and when.  That's not been something that has ever been an issue in my dating experience so why debate a nonissue for me on a message board?   That's wasting useless energy. 

Uhm, ok... but that was a cop out.  And you know I see it.. just sayin...

you trying to play me like this..

http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r115/UnoBetter2/Gifs/VanDammeCantSee-1.gif

but I peeped game I like this..

http://i25.tinypic.com/256u3wi.gif

& was out like this...

http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/1632/aneweg9.gif

LOL  ROTFL with those pictures  It was not a cop out Legacy,
BTW, anytime you ready I will whup that azz for less than a buck fiddy. 

I will say this: Any guy who asks me out on a date, then tells me up front can we go dutch, tells me far more about his character than just about the money issue.  If a guy can't afford an expensive date, then go somewhere where they can afford it. There are a lot of things we could do, such as pack a picnic and enjoy ourselves in a park quoting shakespeare from a book or just listening to great music.

 Why ask someone out then expect them to pay for you to have the pleasure of their company.  I mean you asked them out.

That said, how do you know that the woman wasn't into you and then you up and do something like that, and it is a complete turn off, and not for materialistic reasons, it is just that the guy comes across as being stingy and a tightwad, and with that character trait others aren't too far behind.  How do you know that when the check came, she wouldn't have offered to pay anyway?

I've yet to go on a date with a guy and when the check comes, I just sit there expecting him to pay.  And when (not if) because in my case, it's always a when because the guys I date, just  always happen to pay, I will offer to pay the tip,

It's not been an issue to me.  IMO a guy who is overly preoccupied with who will pay for what on a first date, or even second tells me so much more about his character.  It tells me that whenever I deal with him, he's tallying up in his head, his/hers, this/for that.  That is not my nature to be that way.  Fortunately I've not dealt with guys with a "Charles Dickens" accountant type of mentality.

Instead of looking at "what the woman" sees, perhaps you can look at it from "what you're projectiing".  How we behave with others is really more about where we're coming from than the person sitting across the table in front of us.

[Bambi eyes]

No one is trying to change you Legacy.  I think I'd need a whole case of Lawry's meat tenderizer and Mc Cormicks seasoning, and maybe a little lime juice to even begin to do that to you anyway.  What I asked is a simple question and what you gave is the best answer you could muster without really outright picking #1 or #2... and that's cool, so chill.

Now getting back to obesity and whether women criticize other women for being obese too light handedly.  I think women who are into men really don't pay obese women that much attention... it's like well I don't have to sleep next to her at night, so why should I waste my time trying to critique what's not that important to me.  I will critique an obsese man because he's part of the mix I am picking from.  You raised that question way back on page one before we got side tracked... so there's your answer, straightforward and dead on, without all the willy wagging you fellas try to do.  

[devineone]

Bambi...



Women really need to stop trying to change men, I mean really.

How is having a debate trying to change someone?  We're sharing ideas and there is more than one way of looking at something.

[Legacy]

DO,..

Here's the short answer..

I don't *care* what a woman thinks if she isn't reasonable enough to realize that accepting an invitation anywhere, regardless of who is paying & if in fact the man directly initiates which isn't always the case, allows her the opportunity to:

a> get to know the man
b> potentially enjoy his company..

So the question is if you're not there for either, why are *you* there. Oh, a free meal right? There's always that. Talk about ego. Only the man is enjoying the woman's company? Only the man is getting an opportunity to learn about someone new? So, therefore he should pay?

Objectivity lost.

Honestly, your probably been dating guys who either don't see the contradiction of equality but paying for a woman all the dayum time or frankly to scared to tell a woman this out of fear of her response. I can care less how she responds. - LOL. It's not a popularity contest & I'm not running for mayor.


It's a simple equation.

if the only incentive for a woman is a free meal then why accept the invitation other than to get a free meal?

If there's a potential for greater interest, how then are they not getting the same thing that the man is getting? And if are both getting the same opportunity for enjoyment & learning, why then is the man solely responsible for paying for her opportunity & enjoyment?

*awaits random response protecting female privilege all the while clinging to male/female equality *

http://hillsidelending.files.wordpress.com/2007/03/pic_morpheus.jpg
I'm trying to free your mind..... © Morpheus

No one is trying to change you Legacy.  I think I'd need a whole case of Lawry's meat tenderizer and Mc Cormicks seasoning, and maybe a little lime juice to even begin to do that to you anyway.   What I asked is a simple question and what you gave is the best answer you could muster without really outright picking #1 or #2... and that's cool, so chill.

Now getting back to obesity and whether women criticize other women for being obese too light handedly.  I think women who are into men really don't pay obese women that much attention... it's like well I don't have to sleep next to her at night, so why should I waste my time trying to critique what's not that important to me.  I will critique an obsese man because he's part of the mix I am picking from.  You raised that question way back on page one before we got side tracked... so there's your answer, straightforward and dead on, without all the willy wagging you fellas try to do. 

Oh really.. then by that logic women who are into suitable men shouldn't spend much time criticizing unsuitable men either right? You're not sleeping with them either. Why would they be important? Being in the mix doesn't equate to being serious option to wake up next too. Also, if you say that it's ok to critique men for whatever reason then why not critique women who also directly impact the mix of men you have to choose from. Sure hasn't stopped BW from critique WHITE WOMEN when they snatch up a good brotha or 2.

NOPE! I SEE IT.. You tried that tricknowledge! - HAHAHA!!

EDIT:

Bambi,
I like what you're saying.  I'll chime in on the question Legacy raised about obesity in women.  As you said I'm not looking at them in a romantic way so no I don't consider that.

PLEAS COPPED! NEVER STOPPED Y'ALL FROM CRITIQUING WHITE WOMEN!

http://i9.tinypic.com/81r03v6.jpg

[devineone]

Bambi,
I like what you're saying.  I'll chime in on the question Legacy raised about obesity in women.  As you said I'm not looking at them in a romantic way so no I don't consider that.

Still I don't like seeing obesity in men or women.  It's embarrassing when I'm riding the subway and I see an obese woman or man get on the train and people cast them looks.
Obesity is rampent in NYC, especially in the hispanic and black community.  I see young high school girls who are just ... well huge, big, or if not there yet, they are well on their way to being big.  They have big fat sloppy butts no it is not attractive at all nor is it healthy.

You can't even sit next to someone who is big on the train because they take up two places.  But if we're discussing the health and attractiveness of obesity in general then of course it is not attractive nor healthy.

However I think we're confusing two separate topics, obesity in general, or obesity with an individual that you are dating.  What if you dated that fine woman and fell in love with her and she started to gain weight?  Then what?

As I said earlier, I fell in love with a guy who was fat and that didn't stop me from caring about him or finding him attractive.  It had nothing to do with me needing him for all the reasons Legacy named, I just liked "him" a lot, we had really great physical chemistry.  He knew he needed to lose weight.  He was always heavy and got a little heavier throughout our time together, but I didn't kick him to the curb because of his weight.

[Bambi eyes]

Oh really.. then by that logic women who are into suitable men shouldn't spend much time criticizing unsuitable men either right?

Women may be INTO suitable men but that doesn't mean that's what they are going to end up with .  However, women, whether suitable or unsuitable would never even be a part of what I'm chosing from, thus I don't need to worry about what they look like on the outside or the inside, again, I'm, not sleeping with them, so who cares .  

Nope, tricknology is not what's at work here... it's just plain common sense.  People critique things/people they may be interested in.... just because a man is obese doesn't mean I won't be interested in him, it means he needs to fix a few things before I will be 100% satisfied with what I'm getting... thus he needs some critique from me to get him on the right path to a healthier lifestyle.  Unlike you, I don't rule them out, I just don't let them slide on up to the table with the other more suitable fellas without fairly putting him in check first.  Nothing tricky about that at all.

[Legacy]

Oh really.. then by that logic women who are into suitable men shouldn't spend much time criticizing unsuitable men either right?

You may be IN TO suitable men but that doesn't mean that's what you are going to end up with .  However, women, whether suitable or unsuitable would never even be a part of what I'm chosing from, thus I don't need to worry about what they look like on the outside or the inside, again, I'm, not sleeping with them, so who cares . 

Nope, tricknology is not what's at work here... it's just plain common sense.  People critique things/people they may be interested in.... just because a man is obese doesn't mean I won't be interested in him, it means he needs to fix a few things before I will be 100% satisfied with what I'm getting... thus he needs some critique from me to get him on the right path to a healthier lifestyle.  Unlike you, I don't rule them out, I just don't let them slide on up to the table with the other more suitable fellas without fairly putting him in check first.  Nothing tricky about that at all.

What a crock of shyt. Black women critique white women ALL THE TIME!

http://i29.tinypic.com/2mfjbjo.jpg

[devineone]

DO,..


Objectivity lost.

Honestly, your probably been dating guys who either don't see the contradiction of equality but paying for a woman all the dayum time or frankly to scared to tell a woman this out of fear of her response. I can care less how she responds. - LOL. It's not a popularity contest & I'm not running

Objectivity is not lost Legacy, and those are not the type of men I dated, now who is assuming here?  You're accusing women for trying to "change men when they have different view points", yet you're doing just that because I have a different perspective on the whole dating thing and who pays for what.  Let's just agree to disagree.  As I said it is a nonissue and I'm not running for mayor either just sharing thoughts in a nice lighthearted and hopefully respectful way.

[devineone]

What a crock of shyt. Black women critique white women ALL THE TIME!

http://i29.tinypic.com/2mfjbjo.jpg

Maybe he got picked last because he lacked skill (re.tiny picture) not because he was fat.  Being fat doesn't automatically rule you out of the game which is what Bambi was saying, it just means you have a few things you need to work on.

I once took an African dance class and this one girl who was African but born in the states was thick and healthy, she was pretty chunky, not fat, but chunky, she could move better than anyone there.  The teacher picked her and a few others, to lead the performance.  That big girl could move.
I think with guys, they see someone who is less than their ideal, and automatically just throw them out of the game, they're not even interested in getting to know them.  AS one poster said, why bother life is too short.  Whereas a woman, would say, ok, he's a little heavy but I like this... and that... about him, I could work with that.  Maybe it's biology because women have more of that bonding hormone or somethhing.  Women are natural nurturers more so than guys.