When you've got to trim the fat.....

[mochagirl1]

I am at a point in my life where I don't like drama, don't invite it in and if I see it, I'm heading it off at the pass.  Which is why, every blue moon, I've got to "trim the fat."  I basically take stock of the people in my life and those that are not contributing to my well-being, I have to let them go.  My sister is always saying "You're so cold-hearted."  But I don't feel it is.  I've always been this way.  I go through a sort of mental spring cleaning where I have to eliminate negativity and part of that process includes pushing out all the toxic and negative people surrounding me.  Unfortunately, that has even included a few family members as well.  I'll see them at the important functions, love them from a distance, but constantly deal with negativity and drama?  No thank you.  I'll send you a post card instead. 

What about you?  Do you regularly "trim the fat" and eliminate toxic people in your life?  Or have you been itching to do it and haven't?  Do you think it's cold-hearted to cut people out of your life?

[Bambi eyes]

Mochagirl,

I do and have done the same kind of house cleaning you're talking about here.  It's gotten to the point where I've eliminated so many that I'm beginning to wonder will anyone be around for my funeral.    Kidding... but I know what you mean... there are people who are so toxic in your life that you just need to step back and literally make a list of the good times vs. the bad times you've had with them and decide whether or not you're willing to continue having so many bad times for the sake of a few good one's.  What I've noticed in families is that there tends to be a click within the family and many times, if you eliminate contact with one, then others who are close to that one will eliminate you from their "keep in touch" list.  Like an Amoeba http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amoeba ... they are so tightly bound with others that cutting them off is like cutting all of them off, so you have to be very judicious about who you decide to cut off when it comes to family. 

I have a friend that I cut off about three years ago.  She still calls me every 6 months or so but I never reach out to her or initiate contact. I do return her calls though so that I don't come across as being rude, and talk for a short time before ending the call.  I have been thinking that things have changed somewhat since we were close three years ago, and that it might be time to have lunch again and see if the friendship is worth reviving.  People do change, and in a world like the one this is becoming who needs to go around creating discord and seperatism...on the other hand, life is too short to be dealing with toxic folk who've got issues and don't mean you any good either...so...

[mochagirl1]

Thanks for the support Bambi.  I've been feeling kind of guilty for how I do things, but I guess it's like you say, you've sometimes got to dump that negativity.  I hear what you say about family though.  I can't cut off just anybody that's for sure.  I remember I had a cousin who was addicted to drugs, constantly stole money, lied, did time in jail and everything came to a head when he "somehow" ended up with my wallet.  His mom and everyone else made excuses for him.  When I cut him off, it was like the whole side of that family closed me off too.  But I didn't regret it.  They all eventually got over it and we're cool now.  So family is a lot harder to deal with like that. 

[tigerlilly]

Great topic, mochagirl.  I feel ya.  None of us are perfect, but toxic people can wear a person down and drain the joy from a persons life if they are allowed to do so.

I don’t take friendships and family relationships lightly, I’ve done some ‘spring cleaning’ myself over the past several yrs.

1.  A longtime friend who I’ve caught in lies (some little, some not so little).   She stabbed me in the back one time too many.   I found out about it by accident, and it hurt.  ENOUGH.

2.  A family member who has caused tremendous pain and hardship for his children and their mother.  A really sad situation.  A user and a loser.  I got a vm msg from him a few months ago and didn’t even return the call.  ENOUGH.

3.  A sometime friend who was always calling me telling me some negative garbage about people we know.  Always getting into someone’s business.  ENOUGH. 

I really agonized over these.  In a couple cases I literally wrote down pros and cons of maintaining or ending the relationship.  People have different opinions, but bottom line is we are responsible for our own emotional and mental health.  In a couple cases I told the person what was bothering me and why I no longer felt the relationship was good for me.  Couple others I simply stopped interaction with.  One person wrote me a long letter; I replied briefly, politely, but honestly.  ‘course they were all “WTH?” and full of denials and trying to twist and turn the tables.     Waste of time and energy.

But I have to say: no regrets.  My life is better without these people, and I treasure the healthy relationships I do have.

Best to you, mochagirl. 

[devineone]

 What I've noticed in families is that there tends to be a click within the family and many times, if you eliminate contact with one, then others who are close to that one will eliminate you from their "keep in touch" list.  Like an Amoeba http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amoeba ... they are so tightly bound with others that cutting them off is like cutting all of them off, so you have to be very judicious about who you decide to cut off when it comes to family. 

I know I'm late to this topic, but wanted to chime in.  Yes I've noticed this too Bambi about clicks within family members.  What I've come to realize is that family members who exhibit amoeba like qualities and bind themselves around negative behavior, the behavior that I've eliminated from my life, just saved me the trouble of snipping them from my life too. 
Those family members who sanction mess, drama and trouble, when I think back on it, weren't really in my life much in the first place because I don't keep folks like that regardless of family or friend close to me.  The people who are close to me are people who are most compatible to me be they family or friends.  I'll be nice and send out cards or invitation should certain occassions call for it, but I'm not going to go out of my way to run behind them to establish a relationship that wasn't all that significant in the first place.

So I'm all for snipping the fat.  I'm not a cat, I don't have 9 lives and I'll be darn if I use my one precious life dealing with unecessary family drama.  That stuff will stress you out, drive you crazy and age you quicker than anything.