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By December 11, 2011

How to Treat a Girl

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I just got dumped by another girlfriend. That makes three in a row. Each one of them leaves me saying I am frustrating and I don’t know what I’m doing with girls. I try to be nice but each one complains that I make her feel bad in many ways. Can you help me? I am headed off to college next year and want to fix whatever this problem is I have with girls so I can date and have a girlfriend before I am 50 years old.

Confused and Lonely

Dear Confused and Lonely:
How about I share with you something someone sent me in an email recently. They didn’t know who wrote it and neither do I, but it seems like an appropriate bit of information to give you and any other young man experiencing similar problems.

  1. Whatever you do, don’t just show up at their house…they run around in their underwear just like we do.
  2. Don’t cheat on them. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out.
  3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn’t even wait for the damn hat.
  4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they’re beautiful.
  5. Don’t refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it’s because they’re jealous.
  6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.
  7. Don’t be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they’re going out with you in the first place, it’s because they like being in your arms.
  8. If you don’t sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.
  9. If you DO sleep with them, don’t tell your friends that you did.
  10. You can be dirty minded in private, really…most of them are not offended by it…
  11. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of girls can eat like whales.
  12. Most of them don’t mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you’re a pussy.
  13. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
  14. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it’s not a serious relationship.
  15. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you’re dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren’t dropping her off, call to be sure she’s home safely.
  16. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to kick the s**t out of him.
  17. If you’re talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.
  18. Never, ever slap her, even if it’s just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, “Oh, you’re so dumb” or something, never make any gestures back.
  19. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn’t care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
  20. You’re dead meat if you can’t get along with their pets, parents and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
  21. Don’t flirt with their moms…that’s just freaky.
  22. If you don’t like the way they drive, you do it.
  23. Don’t be freaked out by PMS. It’s not gross, and it really does make them feel like s**t, so be understanding.
  24. If you’re officially dating, and you’re introducing her to your friends, you’d better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
  25. Don’t stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
  26. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
  27. Girls are fragile. Even if you’re play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.
  28. Memorize their god damned birthdays. You forget her birthday and you’re basically screwed for life.
  29. Don’t marinade in cologne, but smell good.
  30. Don’t give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine’s day. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful.
  31. If you think the relationship isn’t going to last, don’t wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.
  32. After you’ve been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.
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Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.

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About the Author:

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.

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