Making a Successful Singles Connection

We comparison-shop and investigate colleges, jobs, apartments, cars, auto insurance, and who has the best deal on toilet tissue. But when it’s time to choose a mate, too many of us seem to constantly make the wrong choices and use the excuse “I couldn’t help it, I just fell in love.” Time after time our relationships crash and burn, and we wonder what we did wrong and why we can’t find the love we really want.

Making a Successful Singles Connection
©1997-2011 Deborrah Cooper and AskHeartBeat.Com. All rights reserved.

While there is really no magic formula to guarantee a “happy ever after” ending to your love story, we can take charge of our lives and enter into committed relationships with a clearer idea of what is right and wrong for us.

Here are a few of Ms. HeartBeat’s tips.

The Commitment Question

You should not even THINK about a permanent relationship until the two of you have known each other for at least 9-12 months. You need to spend time together to find out what this person is all about – the real them, not the one that you assume they are while caught up in your fantasy world of love and lust. And just because you meet someone that says they want to “get married someday” does not mean that he or she wants to marry YOU!

A stormy relationship full of arguments, breakups and passionate reunions is a big warning sign. It would seem likely that if you have broken off your relationship more than once, you have established a negative pattern. Also, if you have postponed making relationship permanent for a couple of years or more, look carefully at your motives. Maybe you just aren’t ready to give up your independence, or are still looking for the “perfect love with Mr./Ms. Right” while biding your time in your current relationship with “Mr./Ms. Right Now.”

Similarities vs. Differences

Surveys demonstrate that people have a tendency to marry those who are like them. Yes, some opposites attract marriages are successful, but living together without friction is easier for couples that have similar interests and attitudes. Couples that are closer in age tend also tend to better long-term.

Sexual/Psychological Compatibility

Sex will not be the binding force that it often can be if your feelings about it differ. Sexual compatibility is not just a matter of technique, as many couples have learned to improve their sex life while together. But to make it work, you and your partner should be truly attracted to each other… to want to touch, kiss, cuddle and hug. If attraction and love exist together, then nearly all sexual problems have a chance to be solved. Also consider your mate’s basic personality. A person that is more of a loner, or who finds it hard to demonstrate or accept demonstrations of physical affection is a risky prospect for a deep, rich, fulfulling and emotionally warm relationship if you truly NEED that kind of exchange from your partner.

Mental/Emotional Maturity

Some personality traits are just plain bad news for long-term relationships. How your mate handles frustration, disappointment and anger are critical components to success of your relationship. Domineering, aggressive, violent or overly critical people can be extremely damaging and destructive to your relationship. Immaturity, jealousy, low self-esteem or lack of trust also warns of trouble down the road. Your mate being overly dependent upon you for entertainment, stimulation or anything else that they refuse to supply themselves makes relating in a mature, adult fashion just about impossible.

Flexibility and Willingness to Work as a Team

Willingness to change is one of the most important attributes to look for in a partner. Neither individuals nor partners are static, and a person who is uncompromising may find it hard to meet the changing needs and circumstances of a long-term relationship. If you have serious doubts about the relationship, do not fool yourself into believing that your partner will somehow magically change once you “get married” or “move in together.”

If you find yourself hoping that they will become less moody, less stingy, less angry, less jealous, or more loving, you are running a big risk of being disappointed and will most likely be headed towards divorce. If the potential for change is important to you, look for this trait BEFORE you commit yourself to the relationship, not after.

The primary ingredients for lasting success in a relationship requires are your certainty about the relationship, and your unending determination to make it work. If you have reservations or hesitations, they will prevent you from giving the relationship the 100% body and soul commitment it needs to survive and thrive.

MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.