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By October 19, 2011

Should I trust that his female friend is really just a friend?

Dear Ms.HeartBeat:
I have been seeing a man for about two months that I really like. However, there is one thing that really bothers me. He has a lot of female friends, one of which is an ex girlfriend that he keeps in touch with regularly. He assures me that she is just a friend but it makes me jealous. He is 39 and is going through a divorce, but he’s been separated for two years. Should I continue to see him and just wait and see what happens or should I tell him that it bothers me and expect change?

He goes out with this girl to family functions like birthday parties, dinners etc. so he knows her family well. In fact when I met him he had just been on holiday with her, but I didn’t think much about it as we had only just had one date and I didn’t know how I felt about him yet. I thought that after he started getting to know me, he would stop seeing her, but it would seem that this is not going to happen.

I don’t think I can ask him to stop seeing her. What do you think I should do? Is he just fooling around with me? He has said in the past that he is not into a long-term relationship but I can understand him saying that as it must be painful to be going through a divorce.

He tells me that I am number one to him but I don’t know whether to believe it as I always think actions speak louder than words and the fact that he still sees her and phones her etc.. suggests to me that there is still a bond between them. Am I being too selfish to expect him to see only me?

Wondering About My Man

Dear Wondering:
Sounds to me that you are getting in over your head and losing focus.

Having sex with a man does not mean you have a committment, a relationship or even a boyfriend honey, it merely means you had sex. That is what he is telling you. You are wanting exclusivity and commitment in a situation where none is being offered – never was and never will be. That is grounds enough for most women to avoid having casual sex because most females can’t seem to separate the two.

You also need to remember the following rules of dating:

  1. A man that is still married (even though he is going through a divorce) is NOT AVAILABLE for a committed relationship.
  2. A man that has another woman or even several women that he dates regularly besides you is NOT AVAILABLE for a committed relationship.
  3. A man that tells you flatly that he is not into long-term relationships is telling you that he is NOT AVAIALBLE for a committed relationship and is playing the field.
  4. You have all the information you need to make a decision in your own best interest. Insisting on wanting something and complaining something he already told you is not going to give you is rather silly, don’t you think?

He is obviously not the man you want. If you cannot play the singles dating game by his rules, then don’t play the game at all. Just move on and find a man that wants a 1-on-1 committed relationship like you do, and leave him be.

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