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By May 12, 2010

Stepmother Against Husband’s Daughter Moving In

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I’ve known my wife for 28 years. In the beginning we were best friends. She waited for me to get out of incarceration, which was two years. My daughter lived with my sister during my incarceration because her mother lost custody. I moved in for 1 year. In between that time my daughter, age 10, moved in with us. It was a lot of stress put on the relationship due to my infidelity with other women, my daughter’s behavior and her mother’s interference in our relationship. We decided to separate after one year.

During the separation, I returned my daughter to her mother.  My wife and I eventually reconciled after one year and in July 2009, we got married.

Recently, my daughter’s mother got in trouble with the law and my daughter may need to live with me or my sister. My wife doesn’t approve of her moving back in with us, due to the stress that was put on her and the relationship in the past. What should I do?

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Your wife is stupid. For her to think that she could skate through life living with, loving and married to a man that has a young child and NEVER, EVER have to be responsible for that child is just stupid thinking.

She needs to be reminded that when you marry a person that has children, to get the parent you must take the child. Tell her that you are next of kin to your daughter, and it would be the ultimate in foul disgusting behavior for you to turn your back on your baby when she needs you the most. Your sister should not have to take care of YOUR CHILD now that you are out of prison! That is your responsibility, not hers.  She didn’t lay up there and make that baby, you did.

Sit down with your wife and explain to her that your role is to care for and love this child and guide her to adulthood. You hope that your wife, as your life partner, would be by your side helping you do that. Tell her that it is not the child’s fault that her mother and father have made poor choices in the past which resulted in criminal records, the child’s repeated abandonment and lack of security, and her feelings of confusion. Let your wife know that you are trying to be a better man, a better father, a more responsible citizen and that you would like her help and support.

Tell her that  your daughter is of course upset and confused. She is a child and doesn’t understand how to deal with her fear of being shifted around from home to home, or her anger and frustration about her parents and unsettled lifestyle.

As a child, your daughter doesn’t have the skill set to express her feelings in words, so she acts out – which is very common for children. Your daughter needs love, hugs, devotion and understanding. She does NOT need some grown ass woman being hateful and mean to her. SHE IS A CHILD and she needs a family. If your wife doesn’t want to be a part of that family, then she needs to get on.

But if she decides to stay, then both you and your wife should sit down with your daughter and tell her that you will both always listen to her and you will be there for her, and that you are never going to leave her alone again. Let her know how much you love her and how sorry you are for what she had to go through. Assure her that things are going to be very different and that she is going to have a normal, stable home from now on.

Then all three of you need to come up with house rules, rewards and punishments for your daughter that will be delivered fairly and consistently. Let her know clearly and what the expectations are for her chores, homework, school attendance, friends over, phone use, etc. You have the power to help your baby break the cycle that you and her mother have established. With your help, your daughter can be loved and provided for and guided to greatness!

Or you can step back, leave her to sink and repeat the same sorry patterns chasing after some woman and her ass.

Which one are you going to choose Daddy?

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MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.

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About the Author:

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.

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