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By December 22, 2013

Top 7 Reasons Black Men Don’t Want to Get Married


Yesterday marks the day that Miami Heat shooting guard Dwayne Wade finally proposed marriage to long-time girlfriend, actress Gabrielle Union. This is a second marriage for both.

It’s about time he broke out with that ring, because he was really on a lot of black women’s shit list.

Dating for years and years with no ring in sight? Come on dude! Dwayne Wade infuriated millions of women by making a big production around the time of Gabby’s 41st birthday in November, when he walked in with a gift wrapped jewelry box, pulled out a ring and placed it on her finger.

The NBA championship ring he gave her is meaningful I suppose, but it wasn’t the engagement ring that women around the world were looking for him to pull out of that box.

Low Marriage Statistics in the Black Community

According to statistics, black women are the least married demographic in the nation with almost 50% of black women being single and never married. Though I’m sure quite a few black women have no interest in that whole thing, there are still a large number of young black women who dream of having a wedding where they wear the white gown and become Mrs. Somebody or Other. It’s a lifestyle their religious beliefs promote, as well as the structure in which they seek to raise a family.

But black women do not make the decision to be married all by themselves – marriages require two interested parties. However, black men, in exceedingly large numbers, seem to really drag their feet when it comes to committing to one woman and taking that walk down the aisle.

Why are black men so reluctant to marry?

After spending almost two decades discussing a wide variety of relationship issues with black men and women, I’ve concluded that there there are seven chief reasons that black men give frequently which they claim contribute to their avoidance of marriage.Dwayne Wade gives Gabby NBA championship ring

1. Divorce, Alimony, Child Custody and Child Support – This is the #1 reason black men give for not wanting to be married; they don’t want to have to deal with a woman saying “I want half Eddie!” These guys are fearful that they won’t get to spend time with their children, or that they will be left poverty stricken if “that woman” takes their money. Many don’t want to pay child support, let alone alimony to a woman they feel doesn’t deserve any support from them after the marriage ends. In spite of the fact that she was working and contributed to the acquisition of the assets and the upkeep of the family just like he did. Wow. To these guys, their best option to avoid the possible financial ramifications of a marriage gone bad is to not get married in the first place.
2. Black Women Don’t Value Marriage Like They Did Back in the Day – For some reason there is a group of guys who believe marriage in the 1940s and 1950s was the model for a perfect union. To these guys the modern version of marriage, where men and women share power and decision-making and responsibilities of household and child-rearing is not a “good” marriage model. They believe women need to “submit” to their men and long for the day when all men did was go to work and come home. They also hold up as wonderful the fact that divorce rates were low and that women didn’t leave men for cheating or spousal abuse. With women filing 70% or more of the divorces in the U.S., women are demanding a lot more from men they are married to. It appears a lot of black men don’t want to meet those demands, so they opt to stay single.
3. What’s In It for Me? – This is an issue that I, unfortunately, have to agree with the fellas on. Why should any man marry when he is getting all the benefits of having a wife without any of the obligations or legal ties? Women play themselves by moving in with men thinking it means something more than a buddy and readily available booty. Some of you bear children for men who are not your husbands, serve as step-mother by helping him to raise children he had with his baby mommas, and taking care of his aging parents. Some women make the mistake of commingling finances – buying property, establishing joint bank, credit and investment accounts, or starting a business with their “boyfriend.” These misguided women end up doing every single thing married women do with and for husbands without a ring or a title. The usual phrase associated with this situation is “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
4. He Does Want to Marry, But Not You – Many men express dismay at the large number of women who don’t know how to keep house or cook. Not saying they expect the woman to do these things all by herself, but they look into the future with children and wonder how their children will be properly nourished if their mother can’t cook. He will also watch how you care for and discipline any children you already have to assess your mothering skills. He may view you as a sexy and exciting girlfriend, but realize his Mom would be highly disapproving you as her daughter-in-law. Maybe you are jealous, insecure, and bring drama because you’re always stirring up shit about something. Some guys don’t mind dating a woman with “experience” but when it comes time to settle down, they’re looking for a woman who they feel hasn’t been “run through” by many different guys. If you have 3, 4, or 5 children by 3, 4 or 5 different guys, it’s likely that he’ll take issue with that when assessing your wifely qualities. Guys call this situation the “ready made family” and tend to shy away from the emotional, mental and financial responsibility of caring for some other man’s children.
5. He’s Not Ready for Marriage to Anyone – Scientists say males develop mentally and emotionally at a much slower pace than females. A study by the National Institutes of Health showed that the difference in maturity development is as great as 10 years.

“In the figure below, from the NIH study, shows trajectories of brain development in girls (red line) and boys (blue line), with 95% confidence intervals above and below each line. The arrow indicates the “inflection point,” roughly the halfway point in brain development. Girls reach the inflection point just before age 11 years; boys do not reach the inflection point until just before age 15 years. A young woman reaches full maturity, in terms of brain development, between 21 and 22 years of age. A young man does not reach full maturity, in terms of brain development, until nearly 30 years of age.”

brain development differences males vs females

Some women try to force the issue of marriage with an immature man by trying to find him a job, giving ultimatums about other women, getting pregnant to “make him grow up,” monitoring his finances for him, and all kinds of other time wasting activities that treat an adult like an incompetent child. Being a husband requires personal fortitude, commitment, a sense of responsibility to the woman and relationship, and a strong desire to be with his chosen partner through thick and thin. If a guy says he isn’t ready yet, or he enjoys just being a bachelor, single women seeking marriage would do best to listen and move on.
6. He Knows He Can’t Meet Your Expectations  – Though he may really love you and want to be with you, he knows the relationship has limits; not because of your inability to meet his standards, but because he cannot meet yours. Many black men feel Sistahs have a fantasy version of men, and expect someone to be romantic and perfect “like out of a soap opera!” While considering marriage, he’ll have to deal with his fears about disappointing you (which ends in divorce), or not being able to be the man you imagine and hope he is. Many men want their marriage to be easy, without challenges or demand for growth. They want to stay exactly the way they are, and your lofty goals for the future terrify them. Others note that some women speak of marriage with such reverence, as if her life would magically change for the better once she marries – she won’t be lonely anymore, she won’t be broke anymore, a wedding band will make her man not cheat anymore, he’ll pay more attention to her than he does his mother, etc. All unrealistic expectations in his mind. Men know marriage is a lot of work — even getting to marriage is a lot of work. Rather than do the work, he opts to bow out and go and find a woman who doesn’t challenge him in the ways you do.
7. He’s Looking for the Mystical, Magical Vagina – This is the man that you date for a year and he still hasn’t told you that he loves you. When you ask him how he feels, he isn’t sure, or he dodges the question with a question back to you, or he starts talking about he isn’t sure he’s ever been in love and doesn’t know what love is anyway, blah blah blah. Basically, this is a man who thinks with his penis. He is looking for that one vagina that he believes will blow his mind, turn his world upside down and all around and “make him” settle down. What you have here is the male version of the fairy tale Cinderella – yup, CinderFELLA. He is not seeking to align himself with a real flesh and blood woman who has bad moods, says “no!” to him, whose bra and panties don’t match, who gets a chip in her fingernail polish, who doesn’t “make” his boner rise 10x a day, and doesn’t look picture perfect the instant she gets up in the morning. This is the guy ever on alert for you to gain a pound, get a gray hair, a wrinkle or a stretch mark because it destroys his fantasy. This is the guy who marries you, then starts talking about having an open marriage, wife swapping or a polygamous marriage with multiple wives. Even if you did manage to marry this type in a traditional marriage, he’s the one that leaves you as soon as you turn 45, develop cancer, or do anything to slide off the MY PERFECT WIFE pedestal he’s placed you on.

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Posted in: Coop's Corner

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