What is Love… How Do I Know I Love Someone?

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am wondering if you can explain love and what it is to me. Some of my college friends (male and female) say that they are in love, but the excitement wears off pretty fast and the next thing you know they broke up. Or its more about physical attraction than anything solid and stable and somebody always gets hurt in the end. Usually that person is the girl, but not always. Plenty of my buddies have fought back tears after they got dumped.

Some of the couples fight like crazy and have that break up to make up type of relationship. Their relationships are full of drama and tears and screaming on the phone at 3 am. I don’t want any of that. My parents have been married forever and I can tell my Dad still loves my Mom to death, and she feels the same way about him. I want to eventually have a marriage like theirs. I’ve only had one girlfriend so far because I take my relationships seriously. But how can I tell if the love is real?

Signed,
Hopeful Romantic

Dear Hopeful Romantic:
You’re right, people do confuse lust, dependency, desperation and loneliness, abuse, and jealous psychosis with “love.” Many young people have grown up in environments that were full of domestic violence or abandonment… having never really been taken care of and shown love, they recreate the same sick and twisted relationship patterns they endured as a child.

But love isn’t violent, or shameful or mean. Love doesn’t make you feel bad or insecure about yourself or the relationship either. And most certainly, love is not just words, love is demonstrated in behaviors, attitudes and action.

When you go out of your way to give to and care for another; when their well being and happiness and safety and peace of mind is a top if not THE top priority in your life, that is love in action. People need to see and feel your love, not just have you talk about it.

Love is not possessive clinginess or jealousy. Love is not obsession with another that seeks to lock them in a cage so you can selfishly keep your beloved all to yourself. Love is never demanded, but given freely or not at all.

Love does not hurt and should never have you crying or feeling doubtful about yourself and your worth to your partner. Love may involve passion for your beloved, but love is not lust; lust fades but love grows deeper and richer as time passes.

Love makes you smile when you think of him or her, always happy when they are happy and sad when they are sad. Love makes you do everything in your power to bring a smile to your mate’s face.

Love embraces one’s partners funny little habits and idiosyncrasies, and never puts the partner or their dreams down. Instead, love makes their dreams your dreams, and you willingly and unselfishly do all you can to help your partners dreams come true.

Love is acceptance and affection, respect and appreciation. True love is a gift and a blessing from The Universe that few experience in their lifetime.

If you have found true love, be thankful and cherish it. Never take love or your partner for granted.

MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.