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By June 19, 2014


Let’s discuss marriage and black women in today’s society.

There are books, articles, television shows and radio broadcasts that all discuss and lament the fact that black women are the least married demographic in the country. Black men like to portray us as being poor choices for wives because we “don’t know how to be wives anymore like our grandmothers”, are “too independent”, “won’t submit to a man’s leadership” or “have too much mouth.”Black women saying no

In other words, the traits which make a woman less vulnerable to male games, bullshit and dependency – the very traits which make her command respectful treatment, and which make her show his ass the door if he acts up are the traits they don’t want in a wife.


The other piece of this puzzle is the difference in cultures as pertains to marriage in that black people see far fewer happily-married-for-a-long-time couples than do other races. Note how I put the two together!! It must be emphasized that just because a couple has been married for 30-40-50 years does not mean the marriage was satisfying and fulfilling and full of mushy gushy love. This is especially for the woman.

Men hate that women don’t really need them as they did in the past, which gave men an inordinate amount of power over women and the children in their households without them having to treat the inhabitants of said household with consideration and respect. What were they going to do about it if he didn’t come home and left them with nothing to eat, or if he came home drunk beating on everyone?

Women in the past didn’t have as many options as young ladies do in 2014. Decades ago, women felt they had no choice but to stay with their husbands no matter how badly they were treated.

Well, with the advent of “no fault” divorces and women capable of doing everything under the sun alone, the idea that a woman would stay married when she is miserable, lonely, being abused or abandoned is one that most women find distasteful. They’d rather be single.

So at this juncture, I’m not convinced marriage should continue being pushed on young girls as a goal, especially when marriage is simultaneously being portrayed to black males as a trap to avoid at all costs! If girls desire marriage and boys shun it, why be surprised that there are such large numbers of single black women in the U.S.? This is not rocket science folks.

Yeah, it’s an interesting twist that I don’t think many black folks ever considered.

not me groomsMarriage is pushed on black girls as an achievement (get a ring!), but on black boys as harmful and dangerous. So the males avoid it. Yet, they turn around and attempt to judge and condemn black women who are unmarried as if she is somehow faulty, bad or lacking in some way — when in reality he had no intention of marrying her in the first place! He is just using her single, unmarried status as an excuse to avoid accountability for his deceitful actions with women who he knows long for commitment and a husband.

Black girls need to be told of the marriage dichotomy in the black culture, and the cons of marriage broken down honestly and completely. Each girl needs to get into her late teens with a solid understanding of what they will sacrifice to be a wife. Young ladies need to have the uneven burdens placed on them by society once married explained in lurid detail so they can make their own decision, with all the facts, if they want to go that route or not.

Most don’t hear these harsh truths; instead they’re fed romantic fairy tales about how being a wife is a joy, a womanly badge of honor that validates them as women or something, so they long for the title of Mrs. Young black women often go through life seeking a husband they feel will complete them, praying to God to be delivered such a being, fighting other women over some piece of a man, and sometimes even settling for marriage to a knucklehead just to avoid being single one more day.

The harsh reality is that marriage is a lot of damn work and often a disappointment to women. How can I make that statement? Numbers don’t lie. The unhappiness women feel in marriage is reflected by the fact that nationally 70-90% of divorces are filed by fed-up wives! So, ladies, if you are not interested in giving up your life to take care of other people that will take your devotion for granted as their due (since that’s a wife’s job and all), do not ever get married and most certainly do not have children.

That is all. ~Deborrah Cooper

Social Researcher/Advice Columnist/Author

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