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By April 30, 2016

Women Must Have High Dating Standards and Boundaries With Men

Dear Ms HeartBeat:
We dated for a few years at which time he lived in my house. I currently live on social security disability checks, but get enough to cover my basic needs. He used to work at Wal-Mart a few days a week, but would only contribute $50-60 a month.

I kicked him out by way of a restraining order; but a few months later he began texting me again. So he says he was sorry for everything that he did and wanted to start over.

I allowed him to use my truck, and every time he had my truck his phone would always go straight to voicemail. Or he would say that he didn’t hear it, or he was in the bathroom. He would always call when he was walking to the store or something like that.

He initially told me that he was renting a room and living with a landlord. I would pick him up at 7 eleven or a parking lot, but never in front of his apartment building.

Well one day a woman picked up his phone when I called and told me I was dumb and to stop calling her man’s phone. A month or two went by again and my friend’s boyfriend bumped into him in public. My friend’s boyfriend shared with me that my ex shared with her that he had moved on and lives with his pregnant girlfriend.

Well he has begun calling me again in the past couple weeks, and we have had long talks. He told me that it was all lies. I mean who and what I should believe? My best friend is saying that men don’t go around spreading baby news unless they are proud. But it is as if everyone else has seen or knows different, but this guy is telling me that it’s all lies. HELP!

Confused in Oakland

Dear Confused:
I know you are young, but this is ridiculous!

Let’s go back to the beginning and talk about why you gave him the time of day and settled for this sorry excuse for a man. I know that life is full of adjustments and compromises, but there must be a bottom line to any situation, and in my opinion this guy crossed that line. He is what I call a NOT – as in NOT worth your time, NOT worth your energy, and definitely NOT worth dating.

  • He didn’t have his own vehicle. What man over the age of 18 doesn’t have a car or a motorbike? At least a bucket, they are gonna have SOME kind of vehicle to get around in or on.
  • He didn’t have his own place. What kind of bum is he moving in with women?
  • He didn’t have full time employment. Even if he only had part-time employment, he should have had two or three part-time gigs, not trying to live off a woman on disability!
  • He didn’t have any interest in bettering your situation. If a man comes into your life and you’re down and struggling, what good is a man who is gonna deplete the meager assets you have, while bringing nothing to the table?
  • He didn’t have the decency to stand up and be a man, leading things to deteriorate to the level you had to get a restraining order to get him out.
  • You, unfortunately, let this clown get away with murder. There is no way this lazy bum should have moved his butt into your home without rules and guidelines for the bills he was going to pay and how much he was going to contribute. He was basically living with you free, and got bedroom service to boot! How you gonna let some man live with you and not give you not even enough money to cover the lights he burned or the food he ate in a week!

And why would you let him drive your truck? Was he on the insurance? If he crashed your truck, you’d be without a vehicle since he didn’t have the money to buy his own he certainly would not have the money to fix yours! Did he pay for repairs and maintenance? Did he at least fill up the tank?

hard lessons learned from giving too much, not having standards, and refusing to maintain boundaries with men

Loneliness may be at the core of why young woman accepted man into her life and home who gave nothing and took everything.

Girlfriend, after he clowned and you couldn’t locate him or your vehicle the first time, there should have been no future vehicle loans. It’s YOUR truck, not his. You aren’t married to him and owe him nothing in the way of shared use of joint property. All he did was feed you one weak excuse after another; he and his girlfriend really think you are nothing but a sucka.

Another mistake you made was not insisting on seeing his new place after he called trying to “get back together.” You could have stopped his game in it’s tracks immediately. Really, you should have blocked his number from EVER calling you, because this dude is a loser with a capital “L”. I mean, how can he live in your home, but suddenly he gets a place and never invites you to dinner at his place, or even to stop by and see it?

Honey, why are you wasting your time with the lowest scum of the earth? Why you are worried about who he lives with and if he has a baby on the way is also very distressing – you’re focused on the wrong things. Who cares if some broad was dumb enough to breed with him – luckily that wasn’t you! And why would you go BACK to this nonsense? This situation with him went from bad to worst, because now he would be bringing baby momma drama into your life in addition to the problems that led to you kicking him out in the first place!

When you select a man for a relationship, he needs to provide you with many things – love, commitment, honesty, a feeling of safety, and partnership that will uplift you both. This guy is nothing but a TLC style scrub. He has nothing, he ain’t about nothing, he gave you nothing, he continues to give you nothing but drama, and he is a trifling user trying to be a player with his low budget self. He is demonstrating every sign of being a poor father figure as well. He lies, cheats, and has nothing to give a child since he is hardly taking care of himself!

Why oh why do you young ladies do this to yourselves? Where are your standards for men? Please work on your self esteem so you can understand how poor a choice for a mate this guy was. Also work on developing some standards for the men you have in your life… you really need to do better.

If a man is trying to get in your life but is not offering you anything that will make your life better, ease some burdens you have and help shoulder responsibilities so that you don’t have to do everything alone, then you don’t need him! He is an albatross around your neck that will do nothing but weigh you down and exhaust you… he is not someone that will help you fly and make your dreams come true.

Tell such guys to keep it movin’ right on out the door. Hold out for Mr. Wonderful, and stop wasting your time and settling for nothing ass men.

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