Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am a 36 year old white male who recently reunited with an old high school crush who happens to be black. I was so happy to find her because I’ve been missing her and thinking about her for 20 years. We started dating a few months ago, and for someone who has dated interracially as she has in the past, she seems a bit nervous about mentioning me to her closest friends. When she does bring me up in a conversation, I am the “friend”.
We have proclaimed our love to one another, and we both believe the Lord has brought us together, but I just want to know if this “friend” thing is something all Black women call their boyfriends, or should I be cautious?
White Guy in Love With Nubian Queen
Dear White Guy in Love:
Do all White men ask stupid questions, or should I be cautious? Dude, what else is she going to call you but a friend? Look at things from her perspective and ask yourself some questions about how you’ve handled things with her.
For instance, have you sat down and discussed the relationship you two have established and what it means? Saying you love someone doesn’t define a relationship or your level of commitment to her – its just words until you do something concrete to accompany them.
Have you specifically asked her to be your woman? I know it sounds corny, but the principle is exactly the same as it was in high school when guys asked girls to be their girlfriend. In my parents era they used to get ‘pinned’ by a guy or if he was on a sports team, he would give her his team sweater to wear. Every woman knows what it means when a guy pops that question. If you haven’t done that yet, you cannot have the title of boyfriend or my man.
Another question that men pop is ‘will you marry me?’ Have you at least talked about or proposed marriage so that your title becomes fiancee? Every woman knows that it means when a guy pops that question. Since you haven’t done that, you can’t have the title of fiancee.
Women also know what it means when a man answers the question ‘Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?’ with an affirmative response. Since you haven’t said vows to give yourself the title of husband yet, you can’t use that one either. Have you said vows to make her your wife?
If you haven’t actually formalized your relationship in any way and given it a title and specific parameters, what else are you going to be but “a friend” to her?
If you want this wonderful woman to refer to you as something specific, you need to step up to the plate and firm things up. She is a smart and very cautious lady that is not going to assume anything just because you are around a lot or tell her that you love her. She is waiting for you to DO something, not just SAY something. That means that unless she has your buy in, your consent, and your stated commitment to her, she is not going to refer to you as her “boyfriend” or anything else which has any association of rights and claims.
Since you want things to be different between you and this woman you proclaim to love so much – get off your butt and make it happen!